5/25/02 dareka ni asarete mitai 5/19/02 私が欲しいもの・・・とわなんだろう？ＵＷも落ちてしまいました。つらいなぁ。これからどうすればいいかわからない。予備校とかあればいいのになぁ。ＢＣＣになんかく勇気がない。 「皆必死なんだ、ピンチなんだ。負けるな。描いた夢、手に握ったままに。雨上がりの雨・・・」 いまエミりから電話があってね・・・マジむかつく育たないんだから。なんだか落ち着かない。ごめんまた書くね。 こんな事して、私は自分を守ってるのだろうか？それとも、どうなのだろうか。 5/08/02 時々すごく不安になる。プロムのこととか・・大学のこととか、明日のこと。不安になりたくないって思いがすっごく贅沢なのはわかってるけど、そう思わずにいられない・・。そう、この気持ち。自分の部屋に居て、自分の家で　”帰りたい”とつぶやいてしまう心。わかっている愛されてること、わかっているでもエモーションがついていけない。早く夏になれ、早く大学に行きたい。今も大事だけど今は、少しつらい。 5/03/02 人間って、弱くって強いいきものなんだね。恋がしたいなぁ。誰かに愛されたい。こう「ぎゅうぅぅぅぅ」って。 あーあアフリカ行くことにしたし・・結構楽しみだけどちょっと怖いなぁいくまえにやせなきゃ。日本にも行きたい。UWに何よりもいきたい。 プロムにも行きたいなぁ。 がんばれあたし負けるな私！ 5/03/02 「ねれ」ってものなのかなぁ？もうエミと話さないのも慣れちゃった。無視するのもうあまりわざとらしくなってきたし・・うれしいなぁ。なんかここ一ヶ月すんごく静かで・・・でもそりゃー。寂しくってせつなくって。よわくって怖い。火もいっぱい歩けど、これは全部いつか忘れてしまう苦しみだから・・でも不安だなぁUWのこと本当に受かりたい。何があっても今年入りたい。星よどうか願いを叶えて・・・ 4/19/02 多分ここ２週間のうちに私は、最大の敵を作り最大の見方を見つけた。私は嫌われてすかれてる。何を言ってるの？と思うでしょ？でも今日で多分もうエミとの友情は終わったとおもうせめて互いが自分を見つけるまで。でもそれでいいの。心が楽になった感じ。まぁひとつのかなりの気がかりは、卒業の時誰と歩くのかかな。やっぱりそれはとても切ない思いなの。一人って考えると。心が詰まってしまう。そういうことお思ってる時自分がいやになるでも。新しい自分へがんばるぞ。がんばれ私！（UW受かれ！！！） 4/1/02 There is no April Fool's Joke today. I didn't get accepted into NYU today. Not surprised eh? If i didn't get in to SU, WWU, and LMU why would i get into NYU? All i can to is pray about the UW. Pray to everysingle godly thing that watches over me. I beg you more than ever now, to grad me my wish, please please please admit me to the University of Washington this year. Please please please i beg you. I know i haven't been completely good, nor honest.. especially to my dad.. liying that i hadn't heard from any school but NYU.He doesn't want me to go to a community college.. he has pride so do i.. but more than pride .. i wanna go to UW becuase i know i can do it i know can.. i just need the chance.. to prove myself. SO i beg you all the stars that are in the heavens above us. Please grant me this plea... please.. 3/31/02 I feel. extremely frusterated. Extremely Pissed off. that i just want to cry into these bursts of screaming. But i can't becuase that's not "sane" why the fuck is everyone so fucking anooying why the hell is everyone around me so bitchy. just fuck off. stop being a baby. stop being a ditz stop being a wannabe. live life not sterotypics you fucking idiot. fuck you fuck you fuck you i goddam hate you so fuck you! 3/2７/02 I don't think i've ever been that afraid to open my mail box...ever.i'm so scared i really am all i want is to get into UW.. that's all a really want.. please.. please ...please.. please star light star bright all the stars out there tonight. I wish i may, i wish i might have the wish i wish tonight... 3/1７/02 やほぅー。見てみて日本語の書き込みがまたできるようになったの！売れピーーー。あはははは。もうロウマジトオさらばだーー。Happy St. Partricks day!. 3/12/02 So.. i didn't get in to WWU today.. it kinda sucks.. I didn't get in to LMU or SU either.. my safety schools i didn't get into.. i'm so afraid what if i don't get into uw? what am i going to do?? Please let there be a miracle... please please.. let me in UW..i beg you 3/10/02( night) Ima ofuro agatte.. bo tto shitetara .. nihon no natsu to dejavu shita... sotto fuku nama nurui kaze.. shen pu-ki no oto... namanurui taion... chotto pasa pasa na karada... tooi natsu.. yakuru to ga hoshi... ahaha 3/10/02 sakura tte. nande kanarazu ame ga futtteru toki ni saite shimaun darou.. an nani mo kirei nanoni. doushite darou? 3/8/02 Hontou wa dareka ni tasukete hoshii no.tada watashi wo aishitekureru watashi no hito ni tasukete hoshi. demo jibun ga doryoku shinakya ikenai. jibun de ganbatte. jibun de ikite. jibun wo aishite.. ganban nakya. sono tame ni wa risou na jibun ni narun da!! OU! hajime ni diet!!! yasero!! ni ni benkyou! san ni ganbareeeeee!!! 3/7/01 "Kira kira furu yuki no shita de tachi do matte, midori no court, shiroku koori tsuita egao ni mitorete ita. Muyami na nayami mo wasuretei tai.Furimuke ba uso wo tsuita jibun ga tate ita. mayoi no na ka de naiteru jibun -kon na fuan nanka-. kira kira furu yuki no shita de tachi do matte, midori no court no narenai keshiki ni mitorete ita." It snowed today while we played tennis! my Gosh i t was so beautiful. 3/2/02 I am in despiration. Just when everything in life, i was about to start turing up i recieved one more declination letter. Seattle University Doesn't want me neither does LMU. It seems like pride might have to be thrown away. And I found out my transcript has not gotten to NYU university. Am I desperate? yes, yes i am All i want to do is start my academic life over but no one wants to give me a second chance. It's odd. it's supposed to be raining so i can dwell in my unhappiness. But no it;s the must beautiful day seattle has had in months. I just want to scream. THe pain. The wishes the fear the insecurity. The want the greed. the fear.. the horror. It just there no way to say it. but bumming. i don't think i;ve been bad in my life but i haven't been the best of people either.. oh i wish i could just go somewhere and cry. Fuck fuck fuck. All i want is to get in to UW .. please please please. please please. 2/28/02 I made varisty tennis... saigo ni kakete mita yo. ganbatta.. yatta. zutto zutto, kore ga kokoron naka de shimi tete. yatto kizuki daseta.. ureshi!! korekaramo ganbaru zoo!! OOO!! 2/09/2002 Kon na atashi kirai da. nani mo sho-jiki ni ienai. emily ni nande darou nande shoujiki ni narenain darou? kowagatteru no kana--? kiki taku nai. anta no guchi naka kiki taku nai. i'm so sick of lieing to myself so i don't hvae to get in an argument with you. I'm so so so sick of it. don't you understand? i'm not going to argue with you? I don't think you're strong, i don't think you care about others. But i don't know if this is a reflection of myself.. you say " the only person i care about getting in is Cali" and you expect me to still be perfectly perky happy.go to hell bitch. ....... ARG! Why am i so self involved!! why can't i be good and kind!! fuck! damn ! i'm the bitch here. I hate organizing things for others. 2/04/2002 Entry two- No. atashia son na koto kangaetenai .. uun kangaeteru kedo motto chigau koto wo kaiki takatta mou jibun ni uso tsuku na koko demo uso tsuku na!!! hontou wa.. i just want to find a blanace.... just a balance.. hontou wa fuan nano.. fuantei namirai ga fuan nano. daredemo yokattan jyanain damon.... yu dattakara.. naki goto wo ittan damon.. demo son na koto ima wa kankei nai shukudai mo yama hodo tamatteru sei seki mo warui! atashi wa futotteru diet mo shinakya.. benkyou mo shinakya hon mo yomanakya.. ippai ippai suru koto ga aru no ni jikan ga nai.. a----- MOOOOUUUU jikan ga nai!!!!!!!!!! o(>_<)o 2/04/2002 Ittai nani wo sagashiterun darou. Jibun tte no wakatteru kedo wa jibun no ittai nani wo sagashiterun darou. I feel like i'm learning how to swim on my own... but there's floats around me. that are up to keep the sharks away... to hold the scary away. ....... hontou wa aitai na-- yu ni.. hanashitai ayamari tai. demo mada damenano kana... yu wa itsu atashi ni atte kurerun darou? itsu.. watashi wa daijyoubu ni narun darou.. atashi wa mou daijyoubu. daijyoubu.. jibun wa mou yowaku nai. Tsuyoku ikirunda.. ganbarun da.. daijyoubu. atashi wa nantatte swimmer nandakara.. ato chotto ganbatte.. yu ni msg. okuttemiyou .. ganbare!!! -kie 1/30/2002 Watashi wa uso tsuki nano deshouyoka? yku wakaranai. watashi wa nande mai nichi hito ni ayamaranakya ikenai no? minn nano wagamama ki-teru no ni? okotte nani ga waru i no? atashi son nani hito yoku nai! yoku nari tai kedo jibun wo kaeru koto wa jibun ni uso wo tsuku koto to onaji dato omou. nande watashi wa kou nano!!! Nande mou iyada MOU IYANA NO! atashi wa dareno no ane demo nai! dare no imou to demo nai! atashi wa atashi nano jibun no wagamama wa Jibun de tsukuse yo! 1/25/2002 Kyou, Emily kara, Schubert no Serenade tte kyoku no gakufu moratta.. totemo kirei na kyoku, Kore hikeru you ni ganbarotto... Kyou final ga owatta no ni amari ureshi- kibun jyanai na-- hantai ni suggoku yabai kibun nanda-. datte,,, i have a few "f"'s damon.. demo sho-ganai yo ne-, jibun ga ganban nakattan damon. a--- nande kon na kibun nandarou. Ashita kara hajimeyou ashita kara ganbarou.. kyou kara heya wo katashite, ashita kara umare kawa run da.. daisuku nai jibun ni.. Schubert no Serenade wo hikinagara.. ashita.. umare kawarou... -fight da.. ganbare atashi!- -our fear is not that we are inadequite but that we are powerful beyond measure.- 1/24/2002 "Ta.Su.Ke.te." tte nankai saken demo tabu daremo atashi no koto wa sukenai darou. Kase ke you to shite kureru hito wa nan ni mo irun dakedo. Kotae wa dokoni arun darou. Atashi no naka? soretomo dare ka ga atashi kara hiki ashitekureru no kana-? kotae wo.. SHinji tai.. ganbari tai.. jibun ni maketaku nai. maketaku nai. Doushite kon na fu- na kimo chi ni narun darou? Doushite.. mou iya mou iyada.. tada shiawase ni nari tai. atashi no kimochi wa muku warerun no darou ka? 1/23/2002 Itsumo omou no. Emily to denwa toka de hanashiteru toki, kanojyo wa watashi ni nani o motemeteruno? Tabun watashi wa tomodachi ni miete.. amaerareru ane no youna son zai nano darou. Shoujiki itte sore wa yoku nai. Watashi wa tsu amayakashite shimau, soshite So no amayakashi ga kanajyo wo dokuritsu sasezu, issho, anna fu-na koni sasetoku no da.. no-tenki na ojyo-sama kodomo.. bitch. Demo kirain nan jyanai nda..kyou datte.. piano no hanashishitetara.. nanda ka muki ni natte kichatte.. iyadatta watashi wa anoko no ane jyanai. Don't abuse me.watashi ni datte kimo chi wa aru . watashi wa knojyo yori toshi shita nano ni. gaiken ga tsuyo sou dakara tte naka mi made tsuyoku nain dayo.. dareka to hanashitai na--. demo atashi wa guchi ga oosugiru kara daremo hanashite kurenain da.. en kirareta? mitai na mon sa-. A--- kozoku da---. nanka.. i wanna read a tobbikiri koina kibun na love story. Full of passion .. passion and passion. Aitai na-- yu ni demo mada dame nano kana .. mada hanashite kurenai no kana.. kirawareta no kana... doushite darou.. tada darekani aisare tai noni. konna kimochi, kimochi ga waru kutte iya dana. 1/6/2002 Watashi wa tokidoki jibun no kangae ga asai to omou .iya tokidoki dakejyanai kedo. honntou ni wa tashi wa jibun omoi nanda na--. aa-- mou hayaku application dashi asobitai!! asonde!! homepa-ge tsukurun da! benkyou surun da manga kaun da!!! gannbarun da... soshi robot chat tsukuro-- hoshinokakera no tameni. soshi te "Kal" kun tte nazukeyou-. jikan kakaru kamo shirenai kedo ganbatte yaru! soshite tanoshii tokoro wo tsukurun da!!!!!! GANBARE!!! 1/2/2002 Akemashite omedeou gozai masu. m (_ _)m 12/27/2001 Watashi wa nani wo sagashiterun darou. Itsumo koko ni ite itsumo nani ka wo sagashiteru. itsumo darekani aitai to omotteru. Sono "hito" tte... atashi nano kana? ittai nani wo sagashiterun darou. kon na toki ni mayoi taku nai.. ato sukoshide watashi wa otona... ato sukoshide... watashi wa.. ittai darenan darou....... 12/19/2001 Mou su koshi shitara 12 gatsu ga owatteshimau.. daigaku no yatsu mo mada dashite nai doushiyou.. ahaha samishi-na--. a---.... mou jibun ni era tsuku! 12/12/2001 Funny feeling, i'm alive yet we only know about the moment we live in.. wish is so fine that we do not live in themoment, I know it sounds crazy but.. We will never go forward or backwards in time. no, don't look at the big picture. Look at the smaller picture. time is measured by time.. where and when. but, it is a known fact that we do not live backwords in time, which makes each second we live in un tracable, and each moment that we pass through un-knoticed becuase, well we as humans do not feel the wieght of a exact second. And that's just that.Funny yeah? What is this " life" we love so much. We search as a race put toghether for the meaning, of understanding, yet we aren't suer if we clearly "understand" for all we know this could be a world that's created byt our own imagination, this could be heaven, this could be hell, we could be dead. But what classifies dead? Know one knows except, at somepoint in life we aren't "warm" anymore our bodies don't move with our own command, and it slowly returns to what it was crated from. So were we "created" or did we "happene" another question of life. I don't have an answer for this, nobody in the world has the excat answer for this. religion,gives many many different answers, but all seem to point that there is a higher source of power. We as humans just always assume there must be something greater than us. But what if there isn't? What if we are the start of the very beginning in the known unverserse? We will never know. Or, more so I will never know for becuase of the flow of time i too, we soon return to what i came from. I wonder, if i were in space, would i ever die? I must at somepoint, well becuase, our blood my develope cancerous or broken cells due to the numerous multipilactions of DNA.This thing we call life is so confusing. I mean. Why think so much? We, as a "society" cling so tightly to the known. we fear what we can't understand. It is our nature. A odd nature. very odd. What will we find at themoment of death? we will only know at that exact moment. Do i fear death? yes i do. Becuase i love where i am, this is a wonderful place, where it is possible to find peace with all we have. But, we do not see it. To me, it seems this world is so competive. I don't understnad why? What is our soul goal to be better than each other? If we all are born with a "purpose" then there must be something, some individual thing we all excel at, so we do not have to compete for our... ?.... What are we competing for? When we should bond toghether. There are trillions of unknown fears out there that we would "fear" due to our human nature. why do we not support each other, and see were our "power" as a human can take us, to find if we are really so " small" compared to evverything. I just want to know why we can do things we say we can do. odd. this thing called life there are so many fine levels to it all when put toghether we, as just one person could make a universe. 12/10/2001 I wish i could ice skate. well, i'm sure i can but i mean ice skate..like move my body to the way i feel. Express myself in a artistic way that my heart just feels open. Maybe that's my problem i still haven't found the exact way that i can express myself. odd. I wish i knew then maybe i would be less of a case of hopelessness. I've got so much crap to do. I don't know why i can just sit here and think about going to bed. Maybe cuase when i sleep i don't have to remember the fact that i'm failing my classes.. I wish i could be what i wanted to be. I wish i could express myself. i wish i could love.I'm listening to utada hikaru's final distance.. good song.. " i want to be with you" it's funny to this song i can see a skater gliding on the ice in peace, in harmony.if only. i-- wanna be with you now.. me and you.. ima nara mada mani au kara ... kotoba de tsu taetai. ganbare atashi ganbare . ganbarun da! 12/6/2001 Forever. Whenever. Music. Soul.Heart,Eternity. Viva. Viva. Viva. 12/5/2001 “I” I saw a person jump today Their body blew as it fell into the deep blue sea Know one knew who it was, Their heart, never found

I felt a person jump today The air brushed passed their essence as it glided into the deep blue sea I wondered if I knew who it was Their pain I never saw

I helped a person jump today I pushed from behind, showing them the deep blue sea I held my breath And tried to break the fall

I jumped today I left myself go, hitting the deep blue sea I felt the wind around me, I heard the voices scream

I jumped again today So my tears would melt away into the deep blue sea I have done it everyday It will always be me 12/4/2001 uwa--. Kekkou saikin nikki mame ni kaiteru na-- uchi. Sugoi ya. tte. sa. hontou wa nikki toka kaiteru ba-i jyanai noni. ukyuuu. Daigaku ikitai. ukari tai. demo hontou ni daijyoubu kana? aaaa korehodo "yabai" tte omotta koto nai yo--. uen--. Nikki kaki owattara chanto essay kaki masu. yakusoku shimasu. SO-da saikin no okiniiri na kyoku --> utada hikaru no Traveling kekkou iisu. Nishite mo hontou ni uchi no pe-ji ni daremo kona na-- ma- ikka sorewa sorenari ni iitoko mo aru shi. ahaha. " kaze ni atari.. tsuki wa nobori" yume ka--. aitiai hito ga iru. sono hito wa darenandarou. shiranain da.. tabum mada kono hito towa de attenai demo hayaku ai tai na. Itsu ka au kara materun dayone--. Demo kono kimochi dou shiyou. Aitainoni na--. sore yori--- daigaku--- ikitai. Atarashi tomodachi wo tsukuri tai. honki na kareshi ga hoshi--. manga ka ni nari tai yume o tsukuri tai. dareka wo aishitai. === ~__~) urh!~ frusterationh!!!!sore to paso kon no ro=maji mo nao shitai!!! aa suru koto ippai jikan ga nai! yoshi! ganbare!!! OU!!!! ganbare ou!!!! Ganbaree!!! i will do it i can do it! atashi nara zettai daijyoubu ganbare. uchinara deki ru ganbare!! yay! (lol) uchi baka yana-- ahaha njya ne! 12/3/2001 This place, i guess is like my last resort. Funny. i don't like feeling this way. And i'm not sure what to say. I hate it when emily calls me up and i have to listen to her bitching about how horrible her life is. I Don't know should i tell her what i think? Should i just hide? Or should i just tell her. Grr.. life is such a battle and it's just frusterating to know that this battle is never going to end. maybe that's why we're born with emotions, because we are supposed to get something out of this battle. Ugh. I need to write my college essays but i can't fucking concentrate. ARGGHHHH why does everything piss me off these days!? !!! maybe it's almost time. ahahahaha. oh well i guess i have to figure it out. man, i never thought diaries were this releaving but they are no wonder i've had one since i was little. ^-^. Thanks. 12/2/2001 Honestly, i'm a little confused. I really really want to go to college but this essay thing isn't working! Damn i HAVE to send in out by wensday and i really really am just stuck. it's like i can't write my paper! no.. i will change the way i think i will change the way i think. I can do this I Will Do this i can do this. I will do this. I also started a diet.. well i'm just going to avoid over eatting and go exercise.. i just want to fit into my clothes again.. being fat sucks. 11/28/01 Dareka tasukete kudasai. dareka atashi o tasuke te. o ne gai dareka atashi o tasukete!! mou dame. iki ga tsumatte shini sou. shini taku nai. shini taku nai. Shini taku nai . Shinitaku nai dareka tasukete.please. Past Notes