Air date in Japan: November 7, 1999

Special Thanks to Dana's Ally McBeal Page, English from Foreign TV, Tony Cianfaglione's ALLY McBEAL Episode Guide, Lyrics to Music on the Ally McBeal Show, Panda-san, Suzuki-san
 

[A street]

(Ally strolls down the street, buying a paper and petting a dog.)
 

When the red, red robin comes bob, bob bobbin' along, along,

There'll be no more sobbing when he starts throbbing

His own sweet song.

　

Wake up, wake up, you sleepy head,

Get up, get up, get out of bed,

Cheer up, cheer up the sun is red,

Live, love, laugh...

(Ally notices a girl sitting on the sidewalk and crying.)

Ally: Excuse me, uh, are you all right?

Hannah: Yeah, I'm okay. Sometimes I'm just SO okay that I have to sit and cry about it, let some amount of joy out.

Ally: I was just being concerned.

Hannah: Thank you.

(Ally tries to go away, but turns around.)

Ally: Maybe I could help.

Hannah: You heartily did more than enough, really.

(Ally tries to go away, but again turns around.)

Ally: You know, if you gonna sit on the sidewalk and cry, you have to expect people to stop and ask to help. You shouldn't be rude to them when they do.

Hannah: The reason that I'm crying is because I just came from the doctor where he diagnosed me with acute courtesy disorder, which causes a compulsion to be IMPOLITE. Sorry if I upset you, BITCH! (throws wastepaper at Ally.)

Ally: You made all that up. There's no such thing as courtesy disorder.

Hannah: If you could, just please leave me alone. Okay?

(Ally nods and goes away. Then, Hannah stands up and throws her purse at Ally, hitting her in the back and knocking her down.)

Hannah: Sorry. I dropped my bag. Could you get it?

(Ally smiles, picks up the bag.)

Ally: Sure. (walks over to Hannah, with a smile.) Here you go.

Hannah: Thanks.

(Ally turns around, and then turns to face Hannah again and kickboxes her to the ground.)

Ally: Get up! It's your turn.

Cop: (happens to witness the altercation.) Could I play?

Ally: Ah, heh, heh, hey, officer. Heh, heh, how's it going?

OPENING CREDITS

[The Jail]

Jailer1: This way.

Jailer2: You're back.

Ally: And I have my stationery. (shows a toilet roll.)

Jailer2: What did you do this time?

Hannah: She assaulted me.

Jailer3: Let's go.

(Ally and Hannah complain that they're going to be put in the same cell.)

Jailer3: Come on. Let's GO.

(They go into the same cell.)

Ally: (to the jailers) This is untenable!

[The office complex]

Richard: What do you mean she got arrested?

Billy: She wasn't that clear. She evidently wanted to help somebody in distress and kicked her.

Richard: That's clear.

(They notice that John is doing something strange on the stairs.)

Richard: What?

(John places Stefan on the stair next to him.)

John: (to Stefan) Settle.

(He takes a step down, and Stefan jumps down a step. John takes two steps down, and Stefan jumps down two steps. John takes three steps down to the floor, and Stefan jumps down three steps to the floor.)

Billy: (to Richard) Upcoming regionals. This must be a stair compulsory.

(John picks up the frog. Georgia walks by.)

Georgia: John.

John: Competition is on Saturday.

Georgia: Ah, so he'll be hopping around this week.

John: He won't interfere.

(Nelle catches John.)

Nelle: Hi, John.

John: Ah, Nelle. (tries to introduce the frog to Nelle.) Stefan, Nelle.

(Nelle takes one look at Stefan and starts screaming. Stefan gets surprised and leaps out of John's hands. Nelle thwacks him with a file. Stefan goes flying across the room. Richard catches him with one hand.)

John: AHHH!

(Richard smells him.)

John: GOD, Stefan!!! (runs to Stefan.)

Billy: Is he hurt?

John: I don't know. (glares at Nelle.) How could you DO that!

Nelle: SORRY! I, I, (keeps a distance from the frog.) Frogs curse me.

John: You could've killed him.

Nelle: He went for me.

John: As hard as racing.

Richard: Check myself for warts. (walks away.)

(George shows up.)

George: Give him to me. (walks over to John.) My father's a vet. Give him to me.

(John hands Stefan to George.)

Nelle: What's he doing with a frog? (looks at the frog in disgust.)

George: Hey, buddy. Here you go. He seems to be okay. What happened?

Elaine: (walking by) Nelle tried to kill him.

Nelle: I did not.

Elaine: I saw you.

Nelle: He scared me.

George: Now, he's fine.

John: May I see him, please.

George: (handing him back) Beautiful. White's Tree Frog?

John: Uh-huh. Yeah. (walks away from Nelle.)

[The jail cell]

(Hannah sits next to Ally, who sneezes with a piece of tissue.)

Hannah: You cracked a rib. It hurts to breathe.

Ally: Yeah, well, a tough fracture. I mean, break.

Hannah: Can a bruised rib get you out of a court date? I just ask you because you look like you'd help. Do you have a record?

Ally: No, I, (pause) well, maybe a little one.

Hannah: Huh.

Ally: What do you go to court for?

Hannah: I'm being sued tomorrow, and my lawyer dropped me.

Ally: Well, you can get a continuance and I'm gonna make you go forward without counsel. What are you getting sued for?

Hannah: Assault.

Ally: Who did you assault?

Hannah: My best friend. At least she was my best friend until she slept with my boyfriend.

Ally: She slept with your boyfriend and she's suing you?

Hannah: Well, I picked her up, sort of THREW her.

(Renee comes.)

Renee: Well, well, well.

Ally: Oh, don't well well me. I stopped to be a good Samaritan. If she has a history of violence...

Hannah: Don't tell the world.

(The door of the cell opens.)

Renee: You both can go.

Ally: We can?

Renee: Unless you wanna make a citizens arrest against each other.

Ally: We don't. Do we?

Hannah: No.

Renne: Well, let's go.

Ally: (to Hannah.) You know, I'm a lawyer. Do you want me to represent you?

Hannah: What?

Ally: Well, I can at least hope you're gonna get it continued in exchange for you agreeing not to sue ME.

Hannah: Are you any good?

[The office complex]

(George walks around checking his watch. Elaine finds him.)

Elaine: Are you here to surprise me to take me out to lunch?

George: It's 9:30.

Elaine: Well, lunch would certainly surprise me, then.

George: Actually, I'm here because I decided to quit the magazine when we talked about it to start my own.

Elaine: Excellent.

George: And I need to file corporation papers on that I thought Ally could handle it.

Elaine: Great. Actually, Richard or Nelle are better at corporate. Ally's a litigator.

George: Oh, so I should talk to Richard or Nelle.

Elaine: I can set an appointment for you.

George: Great. I talk to you later. (kisses her and leaves.)

Elaine: Mhmm, sure.

(Ally gets off the elevator with a cappuccino, and runs right into George, this time getting the foam all over his mouth.)

Ally: Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

George: It's okay.

Ally: Oh, wait. Here. You're... Let me.. (reaches for a napkin.)

(Ally images that she slurps the foam off with her tongue.)

Ally: (wiping it off with a napkin.) I really have to start watching where I'm going.

George: Actually, I came in here to see YOU.

Ally: (stops wiping) Really?

George: Yeah. Yeah. I'm starting a corporation for my new magazine. Do you do corporate work?

Ally: Me, me? Sure.

George: Elaine thought, uh, Richard or Nelle.

Ally: Oh, well, they do specialize in that more than me. Yeah.

George: Okay.

(They both laugh.)

Ally: It was great to see you again. (tries to walk away.)

George: Oh, you, too. Actually, (Ally stops walking and turns around.) uh, you know, since you were my lawyer before, I think I feel more comfortable if, that is, if you think you can do it.

Ally: Oh, sure. No problem.

George: Should I set up an appointment?

Ally: Yeah, uh, an appointment. Uh, uh, (Elaine approaches behind Ally and stops to watch two of them.) how about the end of the day?

George: Great. Six?

Ally: Great.

George: Nice running into you. (Ally laughs.) Bye. (goes and gets the elevator.)

(Ally turns around and walks toward her office room)

Ally: Good morning.

Elaine: Good morning.

[John's office]

(John is training Stefan. Nelle comes in, sees the frog, and yells again. Stefan leaps up and lands on John's forehead.)

Nelle: I'm sorry. There's just uh...

John: Did you want something?

Nelle: Just to apologize. Did you know he's sitting on your, your head?

John: It's a place to comfort to him.

Nelle: Uh, I'm sorry that I rattled him, and I know the competition is important to you.

(Stefan moves down on his face.)

[A courtroom]

Ally: Your Honor, in interest of fairness, we would like at least a month so we can prepare...

Laura's attorney: (interrupts.) This is her FOURTH continuance. This case has been marked "no further continuances."

Ally: So, what are you gonna do? Let her proceed without her counsel?

Judge: She has YOU.

Ally: But I just got the case. You CAN'T penalize her for getting dumped by her lawyer.

Judge: She fired her own.

Ally: Excuse me?

Judge: Just like she fired her lawyer before that, her lawyer before that, all on the EVE of the trial. You don't get another continuance.

(Ally turns back and looks at Hannah. Hannah pretends not to know it.)

Ally: Well, Your Honor, given that my client has not been truthful with me, I would like to withdraw as a counsel.

Judge: Too late. It starts tomorrow. YOU are her lawyer.

Ally: YOU can't make me.

Judge: The bad news for you is I can. The good news: dress however you like. Ten 'o clock. Adjourned.

(The judge goes away. Ally gets back and seated.)

Hannah: I didn't lie. I just didn't volunteer information.

[Ally's office]

Elaine: Don't take it out on me.

Ally: That's what you're here for, Elaine. Your job's in part to be here for me to take things out on. I've gotta get ready for the damn trail twelve hours after getting a case.

Elaine: So you're unprepared. It's not like people will notice.

Ally: Excuse me?

Elaine: Well, I meant it in a good way. You're so great off the cuff.

(George comes.)

George: Hello.

Elaine: George! Hi.

George: Hi.

Elaine: Twice one day. To what do I owe.

(They kiss.)

George: I mean with Ally getting my corporation started.

Elaine: Ally's gonna do it?

George: I, I just figured that I'd be more comfortable with her since...

Elaine: Make sense.

Ally: We're gonna get started. I'm suddenly in trial tomorrow that I don't have very much time. Have a seat. Elaine, could you hold on my calls?

Elaine: (reluctantly smiles.) Sure. (leaves the office and close the door.)

Ally: So, uh, first, you need to decide who your officers are gonna be. You might want to exploit the idea of partnership instead of corporation. There're just some tax consequences, plus you conceal yourself from liability.

George: (receives some documents Ally passes.) Okay.

Ally: Do you wanna think about it, or you want me to just go ahead...

(George interrupts her by throwing the documents on the desk.)

Ally: (pause) What?

George: I don't care about some stupid corporation. I mean I thought I did, I do, but, (pause) I'm just trying to invent a reason to be in a room with you.

Ally: Oh. Ohhh. Uhh...

George: I cannot stop thinking about you.

Ally: I don't think that we should be in a room, talking about this.

George: Oh, well, I, I kinda got this sense that you... I mean, we are...

Ally: I sent out a LOT of senses, but, (pause) you're Elaine's boyfriend. That's the end of the story.

George: Okay. (stands up and starts to leave, but turns around.) Ally, Elaine and I are not exclusive. I date different...

Ally: Ah, you juggle.

George: I DATE until I meet the right one which...

Ally: I, I'm in trial tomorrow, and I, I really...

George: Okay. I'm sorry.

Ally: It's okay. I mean, I'm flattered.

George: Yeah.

Ally: But...

(George interrupts her and starts to leave.)

Ally: Could you, uh...

(George opens the door, through which Ally sees Elaine.)

Ally: Close it.

George: Sure. (closes the door and leaves.)

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

[The courtroom]

Laura: So, I'm working behind the bar, serving a patron. I look up, there's Hannah. Ah, (points at Hannah.) her.

Laura's attorney: The defendant.

Laura: Yes. I found she was there for her shift, maybe. Then suddenly she grabs me by the hair, THEN she knocks me down. And she called me garbage. THEN she's coming towards me and she's saying stuff like "It's time to take out garbage." And she's carrying me to this big garbage canister, and she just drops me in. It was the most humiliating moment of my life.

(Ally starts asking Laura.)

Ally: You said you were minding your own business. Were you minding your own business when you started to date with Joel Barrington?

Laura: Well, yes, because my personal life IS my own business.

Ally: And you knew she was dating with Mr. Barrington, didn't you?

Laura: Yes.

Ally: In fact, Hannah has shared with you many times like friends do that she was in love with him, didn't you?

Laura: Yes, but she (laughing) falls in love a LOT!

Hannah: (stands up and asks the judge.) Excuse me, I'm not a lawyer. I admit. But is she allowed to just lie?

(The judge makes her sit down.)

Ally: Knowing Hannah Puck is falling in love with him, YOU begin to date with Mr. Barrington.

Laura: Okay. In my mind, my...

Ally: (interrupts) I don't need you to explain. I'm just looking for yes or no.

Laura: Yes.

Ally: You good friend. She tells you that she's falling in love with the guy she's seeing, and then YOU begin to date him.

Laura: I had fallen in love, too.

Ally: I see. Uh, tell me. This trash can she threw you in didn't fit?

Laura's attorney: Objection!

Ally: Oh, withdrawn. Nothing further.

[The unisex]

(Richard and Billy are walking into the unisex.)

Billy: You think you're in love with her?

Richard: No, I don't have any sex. (finds Georgia is already in the unisex and explains her.) Ling.

Georgia: Have to have sex before you're in love with her?

Richard: Of course.

Georgia: Why?

Richard: Because men love any woman they wanna sleep with. It's the ticket to admission. Fishism. (goes in a stall.)

(Georgia opens a stall door and screams when she finds the frog on the toilet seat. Billy and Richard comes over to see.)

Georgia: John's frog! Why is he always in here?

Richard: He escapes. That's John's seat. He probably likes the scent.

Georgia: It shouldn't be hopping here.

Richard: (leans over and tries to pick him up.) Come here, big guy. (but fails to grab Stefan, who falls into the toilet. He smells his hand.) Great. (to Billy) You get him.

Billy: I don't get him.

Richard: I'm a senior partner, Georgia.

Georgia: Get it.

(Suddenly the toilet flushes and swallows Stefan.)

All: Ah!

Richard: Oh my...

(They hear the door of the unisex open. It's John, with his remote toilet flusher.)

John: I like a fresh bowl. (Three of them stand still.) What?

Billy: Richard has something to tell you. (quickly leaves with Georgia.)

John: What?

Richard: I just wanna say, good luck in the competition. We're all rooting for you. (quickly leaves as well.)

John: (wondering) Thank you.

[Richard's office.]

Billy: You didn't tell him?

Richard: No.

Billy: Richard!

Richard: It's not something that you can just spring, Billy. "Hey, John, what's up? Your frog really bushhhhh. (imitates a flush sound.)"

Billy: So, WHAT are we gonna do?

Richard: Just let him be missing for a while. John will worry in time. He'll start to panic and think the worst. He finally finds out it is the worst. At least, it won't be a shock.

Georgia: (gets angry.) Oh, THAT...

Richard: Then YOU tell him

Georgia: YOU chased him in a bowl.

Billy: All right. Look, there is no way that we're not gonna tell this. It's not the decent thing you do.

John: (pokes his head out of the door.) Excuse me.

(Georgia screams and turns around, finding John.)

Georgia: Sorry. It startled me.

John: Stefan has escaped again. Any of you see him?

Billy: No.

Georgia: I haven't.

Richard: Me, either.

John: (sighs.) Damn! (leaves.)

Richard: (to Billy.) Nice going, Mr. Decent.

Billy: Richard, you've known John the longest and you were nearest when the frog jumped. You tell. (leaves. Georgia follows him.)

[A street]

(Ally and Hannah are walking down the street.)

Ally: We are okay. But you need to convince jury, Hannah.

Hannah: Testify?

Ally: Just get them your heart.  Do you have one?

Hannah: You know, you reminded me of me. Thanks for helping.

Ally: Well, I'm sure at one time you were a very nice person.

Hannah: I WAS.

Ally: Okay. Meet me here tomorrow. Ten 'o clock.

Hannah: Okay. (gives her a thumbs up.)

Ally: Okay. (gives a thumbs up back.)

Hannah: Bye.

Ally: Bye.

(Hannah walks away. Ally almost runs into George, but dodges him by leaning backwards like the limbo. George holds two cups of Starbucks coffee.)

Ally: Wow, that was close.

George: You're very flexible. You can do my wiggle walk.

Ally: Listen, George...

George: (interrupts) I know. I came to apologize.

Ally: Over a cup of coffee?

(George throws the cups away into the garbage can.

George: I know I put you in an awkward situation. But, under the heading of "Life is too short," I just got a hit the first time I laid eyes on you.

Ally: Well, sometimes the best laid eyes can end in disaster. Elaine...

George: I know, but the fact that you're also admirable doesn't help. It was a treat.

Ally: Me, too.

(George is about to leave.)

Ally: Ah, uh, George, could you go doing your wriggle walk?

George: Excuse me?

Ally: (laughs.) I think letting you just walk off could haunt me. I think the image wash away is your...

George: Do you want me to do my wriggle walk here on the street?

Ally: You said you were fond of silly.

George: I did.

Ally: You also said it made you feel better when you were sad.

George: Did I say I was sad?

Ally: Maybe, maybe, it's me who's sad.

George: Okay. (starts singing) "No, no, no, no, nobody can do the..."

Ally: (stops him.) What are you doing?

George: Oh, I, you don't know. Uh, see, whenever I do the walk, I have to do it with this song, and since I don't have a stereo handy, sometimes I hear the songs in my head.

Ally: That's ridiculous. Nobody hears music in their heads.

George: I'm gonna get some other lawyer to handle my corporate work.

Ally: Okay. (pause) Bye, George.

George: Yeah, see you. (winks.)

(George turns and does his wriggle walk as everyone on the sidewalk watches him.)

[John's office]

(In the evening, John is walking around with a whistle, looking for Stefan. Richard comes in.)

Richard: Frog call?

John: (nods.) Something wrong. Even if he wanders, he always comes back quickly.

Richard: He's not coming back, John. (John looks at Richard.) He was on your toilet seat, again. I went to catch him. He jumped into a bowl when you came in there and hit the automatic flusher. I should have told you, then. But we were thinking of some way to soften it. There isn't. How I wish... (sighs.) Sorry.

John: You're sure he didn't get out?

Richard: Positive.

John: (drops tears.) Excuse me.

Richard: John, hey...

John: I've got to get left alone, Richard.

Richard: Sure. (gets out of the room.)
 
Ally: (finds him disappointed.) Richard, what was wrong?

Richard: John's frog. He was accidentally killed. (walks away.)

(Ally immediately enters John's office and hugs him.)

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

[The office complex]

(John plays "Amazing Grace" on the bagpipes in grief.)

Georgia: What can we do?

Richard: Nothing. Just let him know you are there for him. Of course, if you were there to grab the frog, it would be alive.

Georgia: You steered him into a bowl.

Billy: All right. (stops the argument. Georgia sighs.)

[The courtroom]

Ally: We have to admit this was an over-reaction.

Hannah: Well, I wasn't just hurt. I was betrayed.

Ally: By Ms. Payne?

Hannah: And Joel. I was in love with him. I thought that we were. And when he broke it off with me, the only person I could turn to was Laura. She was my closest friend. And then I find out that SHE was...

Ally: So, you physically assaulted her.

Hannah: Well, I think I just lost myself. I mean, for me to even be able to lift her shows I had to be on some sort of adrenaline explosion. She weighs at least 25 pounds more than me.

(Laura says something to her attorney.)

Laura's attorney: Objection. My client would like to get that stricken.

Ally: Did you try to hurt her, Hannah?

Hannah: No. I still care for her. I just... It was more about acting of my own hurt. You know, I mean, I just couldn't believe it that she would... I can't even bring myself to say it.

Ally: Stab in your back and steal your lover?

Laura's attorney: Objection!

Judge: Sustained.

Hannah: I'm working toward forgiving her. I'm surprised she can't see her way toward forgiving me.

Ally: That's all I have, Your Honor.

(Ally tries to go back to her seat, but she sees...)

Oren: Ms. Puck...

Ally: (surprised at his appearance.) OBJECTION! Where, where did he come from?

Judge: He filed an appearance.

Ally: But, but, but they were hiding him.

Laura's attorney: Objection!

Ally: YOU just can't sneak your co-counsel into the room.

Judge: Ms. McBeal!

Ally: Who else sits under there.

Judge: Ms. McBeal!

(Ally goes back to her seat.)

Judge: Proceed, counsel.

Oren: Ms. Puck, when you first met your lawyer, you attacked her with your bag, didn't you?

Hannah: We had a misunderstanding.

Oren: And what happened after you hit her with your bag?

Hannah: She kicked me.

Ally: Objection!

Oren: That woman kicked me, Your Honor.

Ally: Objection!

Judge: Get up to the bench, right now!

(Ally and Laura's attorneys approach the bench.)

Judge: I don't know what the hell is going on there. But I'm sure you... (notices Oren is invisible.) Is he down there?

Ally: He's down there. Your Honor, this is a ???? abuse（不当行為）. They are trying to attack the messenger by undermining my credibility...

Judge: You kicked him?

Ally: I thought he was a baby.

Judge: Mr. Koolie, (Laura's other lawyer holds him up.) would you please keep your focus on the witness and not keep going after the opposing counsel?

Oren: Yes, Your Honor.

Judge: Step back.

(Laura's attorney carries him to his seat.)

Oren: Put me down. Put me down. Put me down. (finally put down on the seat.) Thank you.

[A court corridor]

Hannah: Why were they bringing a midget?

Ally: He's not a midget. He's a ten-year-old genius with a hormone deficiency. They brought him to make us both look like bullies.

Hannah: Why did you kick him?

Ally: Oh, it's a long story...

Hannah: Look, here he comes.

Ally: You know, Oren, I'm really surprised to you. You know you've been exploited for your small stature.

Oren: That'll make a living.

Ally: You're TEN.

Oren: 55,000 and walk away.

Ally: Not a chance.

Oren: I'll be back! (turns back.)

Hannah: Cute little guy. He must have really sailed when you kicked him.

[Richard's office]

Richard: What's that?

Elaine: It was his remote flusher. He crushed it. I found it out on his desk.

Nelle: Where's John?

Elaine: I don't know. Richard, we have to do something. He was so close to that frog.

(John opens the door and knocks.)

John: Richard.

Richard: Hey, John. How're you doing?

John: Okay. I'd like to have a memorial service. You know, it seems silly, but uh...

Nelle: It's not silly.

Richard: At all. Do it here? In the office?

John: It's fine. I'll circulate a memo.

(John gets out of the room. Nelle follows him into his office.)

Nelle: John, I know I seemed hostile to Stefan...

John: You hated him.

Nelle: I didn't. I...

John: You lobbed(?) the frog kind (君はカエルが嫌いなんだ).

Nelle: When I was seven year old, I had a hamster, Millie. I loved it so much. In high school I was the star of our track team and we won almost every meet. People would ask, "How do you train?" And I'd say "Hard work. Almost." But, uh, the truth was because of Millie. For three years from the second grade on, I sprint home after school because I just missed her so much. I couldn't wait to see her. Then, one day, my brother put an Argentine Horned Frog in my terrarium, and he ate Millie. It was a year before I could forgive my brother, but I have never forgiven the frog.

John: Well, Stefan never hurt anybody or anything.

Nelle: I know. I just wanna explain. I'm sorry for your loss.

John: I appreciate that.

(John sits down. Nelle walks out of the room.)

[The bar]

Ally: She doesn't have 55,000 dollars. Plus isn't the other girl cruel? I hear she took her boyfriend.

Renee: Boyfriends are not taken. People find each other, and sometimes just bound and involved.

Ally: I'm telling you when I saw him that wiggle walk...

Renee: Then go out with him.

Ally: I CAN'T. I... (finds Renee look aside and looks at that direction, too. And finds Elaine and George are on the dance floor.)

Renee: Is he here because he knows you would be here?

Ally: I don't think so. She brought him.  He doesn't know we all come.

(Again, Renee turns to look at George. Ally, too. This time, George notices Ally.)

Ally: He does now. He just saw us.

(Ally turns to look at George. He waves at her, and Ally smiles. As they turn around on the dance floor, Elaine sees Ally smiling.)

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

[Richard's office]

(Everyone except Ally is there.)

Richard: Where's Ally?

Renee: She went straight to court. Why am I here?

Richard: Because anyone who plans to be at the memorial service later...

Billy: What's going on?

Richard: What's going on is Biscuit will be taking this memorial thing very seriously. It would be a disaster for any of us to crack up and the likelihood with the strange things he says we might be tempted to laugh, so, I think we should get out of our system now.

Renee: That's why you called me here to practice a funeral?

Georgia: For a frog.

Richard: Elaine and I have written a little mock eulogy hitting the points John will probably touch on. If you have to laugh, you do it now.

Georgia: You've got to be kidding me.

Nelle: No, he's got a point. I don't wanna laugh during the real thing.

Richard: Let's just do it. Elaine.

Elaine: (clears her throat and begins to read the eulogy.) He wasn't just a beloved frog. He was an amphibian who loved others. Many reptiles see things as they are, and say why...

Billy: He is NOT gonna say that.

Richard: Billy, we are dealing with John Cage. Who knows what he will say? Go.

Elaine: He was a giving frog...

[The courtroom]

(Closing arguments.)

Laura's attorney: Feelings. We can't really control. But behavior. We can and we should. Is it understandable that Hannah Puck suffered hurt feelings? Of course, it is. Is it acceptable the behavior of her to assault Laura Payne, to blow her into trash bin? Of course, not. Ms. Puck, she took that stand defending her action basically saying, "Emotion just took her over." Saying that Laura Payne was the wrongdoer). But for what? Letting her emotion take her over, she fell in love. She fell in love. Is it unfortunate that the man was her best friend's boyfriend? Yes. But love. True love. It isn't something that just comes along like a train where you can just say, "Hey, I'll just catch the next one." If everything we've been told about true love is, in fact, true, maybe it comes along once. (The picture zooms to Ally.) It doesn't make sense to exert the protocol of friendship over your one chance of... (sighs.) I imagine. Two people, being right for each other. (Again, the picture zooms to Ally.) Knowing they are right for each other and letting it pass because he dates my friend. Any woman who does that, well, she thought that she dumped herself in the trash bin, doesn't she? (Oren nods.)

Ally: Her BEST friend. Not A friend. Her BEST friend. Leaving her in a big heap. Then she sues her. And then, because she knows she looks like a villain, she is, goes out and hires a diminutive lawyer for the sole purpose of making me the heavy.

Oren: Huh?

Ally: He struck upon the court and announces that I kicked him once. No relevance except making you not like me and hopefully not like my client. A gross attempt, manipulating you, and he should be ashamed for it. Ashamed... (tries to continue, but Oren starts crying.)

Judge: Mr. Koolie!

Oren: She hurt my feelings. (continues to cry.)

[The conference room]

(The memorial service begins with John playing "Amazing Grace" on the bagpipes. At the front of the room is a picture of John holding Stefan on his palm. Everyone including George gathers.)

John: I know it would be ridiculous about this. I know he wasn't human. But he was a little soul who attached to me. And I'm not embarrassed to love him. And I'm not ashamed to miss him. It's the only thing left for me to do is to honor him. And I do that by sharing my love for him with those people I love. To know that it was my own hand that pushed the button. To know that it was me who had the toilet altered so that there would be a stronger flush, because I like a fresh bowl and remnants upset me. Imagine what it must have been like for him to be suddenly caught in a violent whirlpool, cascading. I can only hope the bowl was indeed fresh when he fell into it...

(Ally and some others can't hold it in any longer and a few laughs escape.)

Ally: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I just, I use, I use humor to preempt the pain.

Georgia: Me, too.

Billy: It does work.

(Almost everyone cannot help bursting into laughter. John walks out of the room.)

Ally: Oh, oh, oh, John. (stands up and follows him) John. John. John. John, I, oh. I think you tried to make us laugh.

John: Why would I?

Ally: Because you are angry right now, and it's easier than being sad.

John: It's not my intention to be funny.

Ally: But sometimes you are, just the same. Remember, how you said people see you as funny strange, well, I said I see you as special strange. Well, I've got the news for you. Well, everybody in that room thinks your special, and that's why there they are, so, go and finish your service. If we laugh, we laugh, but go finish.

John: Okay. (walks back to the room.)

(Ally turns to watch him walk back into the office, and sees George standing there.)

George: I can't walk away from you. I won't.

(Elaine has come up behind him, and Ally sees her watching. Just then, her beeper goes off.)

Ally: Verdict. See you. (leaves.)

(George watches her walk away. Elaine turns back into the room.)

[The courtroom]

Hannah: What do you think?

Ally: It's close, Hannah.

Hannah: You think the midget made a difference?

Ally: He's not a midget.

(Oren walks by and glares at them.)

法廷の事務員: All rise.

(The judge is handed the verdict.)

Judge: Mr. Foreman, has the jury reached its verdict?

Foreman: We have, Your Honor.

Judge: What say you?

Foreman: In the matter of Payne versus Puck, we find in favor of the plaintiff, Laura Payne. In order to defendant Hannah Puck to pay damages in the amount of one dollar.

Hannah: One dollar?

Ally: That's great.

Oren: (starts crying.) One dollar!

Judge: Mr. Koolie!

Laura's attorney: Give it a rest, Oren.

(Oren stops crying immediately.)

Judge: Court dismissed.

Hannah: Thank you so much. You really do remind me of me. Thank you. (pushes Ally.)

(Ally pushes her back.)

Hannah: Bye.

Ally: Bye.

(Hannah walks away. On Ally's way is Oren.)

Oren: Until we meet again.

Ally: Yes, Oren. UNTIL.

(They shake hands.)

[A court corridor]

(Ally exits the courtroom and finds Elaine standing)

Ally: Elaine, what, what are you doing here?

Elaine: You can have any man you want, Ally. Please don't take mine.

(Elaine walks away, leaving Ally standing still.)

[John's office]

(John is putting his bagpipes away. Nelle comes in.)

Nelle: Hey.

John: Hello.

Nelle: I've got something for you. I was looking to get a nice card, but I remembered when I lost Millie and my mother went right out and... Here. (hands a small box to John.)

(John opens it and it's a tiny frog.)

Nelle: She's not a replacement. But... Well, she is a cute...frog.

John: She's an American Tree Frog?

Nelle: Yeah. She's got a little gecko hand like Stefan had.

John: She is so tiny.

(The frog leaps out of the box and lands on John's nose.)

Nelle: She likes you.

John: She needs training.

Nelle: Yes, yes, we don't want it jumping up on people's noses.

John: May I call her Millie?

Nelle: (nods.) Sure.

John: You're a kind person, Nelle

Nelle: You won't tell?

John: Be our secret.

(Nelle nods and leaves with a smile.)

[Ally's office]

(Ally returns to her office, and finds George waiting for her.)

Ally: Hey.

George: Look, Elaine's a great girl. The last thing I want is hurt her, but...

Ally: (interrupts.) Uh, you know, um, your wriggle walk. When I was sad, sometimes I skipped, ah, and the way you can hear the songs in your head. But see, underneath all that fun stuff in common...

George: What?

Ally: We are not right for each other. How I know that I cannot explain, but I do know...

George: You lie.

Ally: I can't.

George: I'm not going to end up with Elaine

Ally: Well, maybe you will, maybe you won't, but I'm not gonna be the one. It'll, it'll hurt her more. If I...

George: I haven't so much as held your hand and already I'm in love with you.

Ally: (stares at George for a while, but turns to look away.) It's not gonna happen, George.

George: If you tell me you don't feel a little of what I feel, I'll leave.

Ally: I don't feel what you feel.

(He turns and walks to the elevator. Ally stands in the doorway of her office and watches him as he walks out.)