Air date in Japan: November 14, 1999

Special Thanks to Dana's Ally McBeal Page, Tony Cianfaglione's ALLY McBEAL Episode Guide, Quips and Quotes from Ally McBeal (Season 2), Lyrics to Music on the Ally McBeal Show, Suzuki-san　

[Ally's office]

John: Ms. Long, it's not that we are unwilling to take it to trial. It just uh...

Chrissa: You don't think you can win it.

John: poke poke...basis.

Ally: The thing is that making love is wonderful. But when you are... How do I say it?

Chrissa: A nun.

Ally: Yes, a nun. Nuns are not supposed to have sex except, you know, with other nuns.

Chrissa: I still think the jury would be sympathetic after the church dismissed me?

John: Look, I admit. I'm not totally current. But isn't celibacy still the function of the job.

Chrissa: I made a mistake. I admitted it. Why can't I move on?

Ally: Well, we can take it to trial, if you want. But...

John: It would be total hell Mary...uh.... Mugging(?) (厳しい).

(Ally and John walk together towards the unisex.)

Ally: Is it me or do we just seem to be a magnet for strange cases?

John: It's both.

Ally: (walks in.) And sex, too. So many of them are about SEX. Anytime somebody does it these days, it seems some legal right has been violated. This is what the world has come to. (starts moving her hip and saying rhythmically.) "Do it and sue. Do it and sue. Do it and sue. Do it, do it, do it, sue, sue, sue." (sighs and looks aside to find out Nelle is standing there. Nelle smiles. Ally smiles, too.) Hello.

Nelle: Hello.

Ally: I thought that John was with me.

Nelle: I actually like a little... (imitates the hip movement Ally just did.) Can you show me how to do it?

Ally: You just have to get... (shows how to do the hip movement.) uh... the circular...umm... (stops doing it.) You are making fun of me.

Nelle: I am.

Ally: (smiles.) Late for court. (skips out.)

OPENING CREDITS

[A street]

(Ally and Renee are walking together.)

Renee: Do you want a trial with this?

Ally: But it's what she wants to do.

Renee: Ally, these kinds of cases...

Ally: I know. I know.

Matt: Renee?

Renee: (turns around and recognizes him.) Matt.

Matt: Hey.

Renee: Hey. (stands still.)

Matt: How are you?

Renee: I'm fine. I'm fine. How are you?

Matt: Great.

Renee: Great.

Ally: Great.

Renee: (turns to Ally and realizes what's going on.) Matt Griffin. Ally McBeal, my roommate.

Ally: Hi.

Matt: Hi. (shakes hands with Ally.)

Renee: Old friend. (laughs.)

Matt: I'm here trying to get TRO(?). One of our competitors is stepping on our trademark a little.

Renee: Oh, good luck.

Matt: Thanks. It's great to see you again.

Renee: You, too.

Matt: Bye.

(Renee stares at Matt walking away.)

Ally: All right. Who was that?

Renee: That was my Billy. High-school...

Ally: What? You never told me about him.

Renee: 'Cause I don't do that. (starts walking)

Ally: How long do you guys... (notices Renee no longer stands next to her.) go out? (follows her.)

[A courtroom]

Chrissa: It's not something I meant to have happened. It just did.

John: But just you took certain vows.

Chrissa: I realize this and I'm NOT condoning the affair. But...

John: First, tell us how this even started.

Chrissa: Well, I was doing some charity work for the shelter of Peter. That was, uh, Peter ran a shelter for the homeless. It was actually work day.

John: Work day?

Chrissa: Scrubbing floors and painting walls. It'd really been a long day, and we both were tired.

John: So you made love.

Chrissa: NO, we didn't make love. It didn't just happen in a snap.

Whipper: Let's move on, could we?

Chrissa: As I was saying, we both were painting and tired. It turned to this game when we both started slapping each other.

John: And you made love.

Chrissa: NO. What's wrong with you?

John: (smiles.) Please just continue.

Chrissa: Well, we were looking at each other. And there was this. We knew. And suddenly I had urges I was totally unprepared for.

John: So you...

Chrissa: NOT YET. We knew we couldn't act on it, but we were starting making excuses to be in each other's company. Meeting over the shelter, more work days, and coffee, and lunch, dinner, another dinner, we talked about anything and everything EXCEPT how we were feeling. No, no, we couldn't go there. Then, one night, painting another room, I think painting was the closest thing to permissible foreplay.

(Ally laughs. Judge Whipper Cone glares at her. Ally stops laughing.)

Chrissa: We found ourselves staring at each other. It was awful with looking at something I wanted more than anything. Something I knew I could never have. And he saw it, he moved a little closer, and he kissed me. He... It was so soft, most delicate. And, that night, in the same kind of soft, delicate passion. We made love.

(Ally blows her nose very loudly.)

Whipper: Ms. McBeal, in chamber, please.

[Whipper's chamber]

Ally: What?

Whipper: A little nose blow? You've been practicing a lot with John Cage too long and I'm not going to tolerate any of those tricks.

Ally: It wasn't a trick. It was real. Plus I have a little sinus infection.

Whipper: Oh, is that right? (moves closer to Ally.) Let me see. (takes a kind of medical instrument.)

Ally: Excuse me?

Whipper: Look up. LOOK UP. (Ally finally looks up.) Say Ah. Ahhhh.

Ally: Ahhhhh. (Whipper examines the inside of Ally's mouth.)

Whipper: You look fine. You can go.

Ally: Thank you.

Whipper: Uh-huh.

Ally: (tries to leave, but turns back.) Is that why you called me back here? To give me a little check up?

Whipper: I called you back to shut down the stunts. You can go.

Ally: Okay. (tries to leave.)

Whipper: Ally, how's Richard doing?

Ally: (pause) Fine.

Whipper: Good, good. Is he seeing anybody?

Ally: A little.

Whipper: Oh. Well, you can... you can just tell him that I... I said hi.

Ally: Sure. (tries to say something, but stops it.) Bye.

Whipper: Bye. (Ally leaves the chamber.)

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

[A court corridor]

(Renee walks to Courtroom 201, opens the door, looks inside as if she's looking for someone, closes the door, and starts to walk away.)

Matt: Hey.

Renee: Matt. (laughs.) Hey.

Matt: My case is in that room.

Renee: Really?

Matt: Yeah. They haven't called us yet. You look...

Renee: We both look great. So, how's your marriage life treating you?

Matt: (laughs.) It's a little bumpy lately, actually. You, you're not...

Renee: No.

Matt: Wanna get some coffee? Can we go out for drink? It really would be nice to catch up.

(Renee doesn't answer it immediately, staring at him.)

[The courtroom]

Attorney: Your nun.

Chrissa: Yes, and I confessed, sought penance and was granted absolution.

Attorney: You saw him again and you lied about it.

Chrissa: It was wrong. I admit that.

Attorney: You had sex with a man.

Chrissa: If a priest has sex with a boy, he gets transferred. Me... At least my lover was of legal age, for God's sake.

John: (stands up.) Your honor, she was tricked into saying that. This man is a trickster and should be sanctioned.

Whipper: I'm going to overrule that one.

Attorney: Ms. Long, do you agree with the tenet that a nun should be celibate?

Chrissa: Yes.

Attorney: Well, then, what kind of message does it give the other nuns you were running around?

Chrissa: It wasn't running around. It was completely discreet. I don't even know how it got out.

Attorney: But it did get out. And if the church does nothing about it, They faced attacked from the parish, and if they DO do something about it, you sue. Damned if they do. Damned if they don't. Is that it?

Chrissa: We're Catholic.

John: (stands up again.) Objection! He tricked her again. This man is an anti-Catholic papal bigot trickster.

[The unisex]

(Georgia is sitting on the toilet, reading The National Law Journal. And she hears a gurgle. She listens for it again, but doesn't hear anything, so she goes back to reading. She hears another gurgle, but she still does nothing. Finally, a third gurgle prompts her to get up from the seat and look into the toilet. She doesn't see anything, so she starts to look around. Another gurgle comes from the toilet, and as she gets closer and closer to the seat, she sees a frog and it leaps out and lands on her face. Georgia starts screaming and backs out of the stall, stopping only when she runs into the closed stall on the other side of the unisex. Nelle is standing at the sink, and she turns to see what's going on as Georgia slaps the frog off her face, sending it flying through the air. It lands in Nelle's hair. Nelle slowly turns toward the mirror, and when she sees that a frog is on her head, she starts screaming, too. Nelle starts trying to get it off her head, and in the process sends the frog flying back at Georgia, where it lands on her chest. This time, Georgia picks up the frog and throws it at Nelle. It lands on her chest. The stall door between them opens and Richard is about to come out. Nelle removes the frog from her chest and throws the frog at Georgia with all her might. Stefan splats against the stall door, and slowly slides down to the floor. Richard and Georgia crouch down and look at Stefan.)

Georgia: He's alive.

Richard: Or not.

[The office complex]

(John is making his approach to the unisex! But Ally stops him.)

Ally: John. John. We have to try and settle this. No jury is gonna pay a nun damages for...

John: Well, you are trying to talk about it and I'm not making any headway.

Elaine: (joins them.) Maybe I could talk them into rehiring her. I'm very good at flirting with clergy. At communion, I always got the extra wafer.

Ally: What a shock. (walks away.)

[The unisex]

(Richard, Georgia, and Nelle have Stefan on the floor, and Richard is giving tiny thrusts to Stefan's chest with his finger.)

Georgia: (petting Stefan's hand.) "Come on, Stefan. Come on."

Nelle: (touching the frog.) I think I can feel a pulse.

Richard: He's not breathing.

Georgia: Oh, he must have somehow survived in the pipes.

Richard: He's a tree frog, eh?

(They hear a flush.)

Richard: John!

(They leap up.)

Nelle: John! God, I was just thinking about YOU.

(Nelle grabs John and takes him out of the unisex before he can see anything.)

[Cut to the office complex.]

John: What? What?

Nelle: I'm going to throw a dinner party tonight, intimate, with just a few close...

Ling: (just coming to the office.) When?

Nelle: Ling! Hi.

Ling: Never mind hi or Ling. Why am not I invited to this party?

Nelle: (giving John a sign to wait for a moment.) Ling, (notices John is walking to the unisex and grabs him back.) uh, you know, YOU are invited. You, me, John, and Richard. I just decided. I need to speak to John first. (leaves Ling, taking John together.)

[The unisex]

Georgia: He's breathing.

Richard: He is?

Georgia: Look at his little lungs!

Richard: Oh, he's breathing.

(Ling comes in and sees them from a distance.)

Richard: He's still unconscious. Come on, Stefan.

(Billy comes in.)

Ling: (to Billy) They're talking to a dead frog.

Georgia: (notices Ling and Billy.) Billy, Stefan!

Billy: What! (walks over to see Stefan. Ling follows him.) That's Stefan?

Georgia: Yes! I was on the toilet, and he just jumped out at me, and I tossed him to Nelle, GENTLY, and she THREW him at the door. And, and, and...

Richard: We need to get him to a vet.

Elaine: (comes in.) I have a strange, but urgent message from Nelle. John needs to pee like a racehorse.

(They are all stunned. Elaine notices Stefan.)

Elaine: Stefan? (walks over to see him.)

Georgia: He's alive, but dying.

Billy: If there are anything to put him in, we can sneak him by...

(John comes in, bending his brows. Everyone notices him. Richard passes the frog behind Georgia's back to Billy.)

John: (notices it.) What was that?

Richard: What?

John: You passed something to Billy. What was that?

Billy: I don't have anything. (Elaine and Ling slide to the front of Billy, and he passes it to Elaine, who turns around and puts it in her bra. She starts walking out.)

John: Why is your bosom beating.

Elaine: It's my heart. I'm in love. (Stefan croaks and She coughs.) Bye.

[A Starbucks cafe]

(Renee and Matt are having coffee.)

Matt: So, why did we fall out of touch?

Renee: Matt, we fell out of touch because we couldn't keep in touch without touching. At Beny Pekoe's wedding, "Hi, it's good to see you." We touched. At Bill Kepler's wedding, "How've you been?" We touched. Susan Miller's twenty-fifth birthday. (They both laugh.) But when you got married, keeping in touch became a bad idea. (Matt laughs.) What?

Matt: Do you remember the prom? We stayed up all night and we went fishing in the morning.

Renee: Yeah, we kept the clothes on that night. (They both laugh.) Anyway.

Matt: Two days before my marriage, I was reading through the RSVP's and I came across yours. It said, "Regrets. Gone fishing." And I cried. (laughs.)

Renee: (looks at him seriously.) Me, too. (pause) So, here I am, talking to a man in a bumpy marriage, and this tide of common sense just comes rushing in. Great to see you, Matt. (gets up to leave and kisses Matt on the cheek.)

Matt: Can I call you?

Renee: (without turning around) No.

[The courtroom]

(Sister Helen is on the stand.)

Helen: She doesn't regret it. As much she declares remorse, I know she doesn't. She's just saying she's sorry 'cause it's the best way to keep her job.

Ally: Well, it's not the easiest thing to leave a man. And I assume you've never been in her positions, (notices a slip of the tongue.) position.

Helen: She LIED to me.

Ally: To err, human. To forgive, divine.

Helen: There's an old Latin saying, ??????????????????

Ally: What does that mean?

Helen: If the sex is great, you can't be a nun.

Ally: She did stop seeing the man?

Helen: Oh, yes, she did for the most godly reason of all...

Ally: Which was?

Helen: He dumped her.

(Ally is surprised. John casts a side glance at Chrissa, who droops her head.)

[A court corridor]

(Ally, John, and Chrissa are walking towards the elevator, while Ally has trouble with her shoe.)

Ally: Is that true?

Chrissa: Well, does it make a difference?

Ally: Well, yes. Getting dumped isn't exactly showing the penance. If it were, I would be the Mother Superior.

Chrissa: How did she find out? I can't believe Peter told her.

John: It doesn't matter how she knows. It's an evidence. (gets on the elevator with Chrissa.) Oh, look up!

(Ally bangs on a closing door of the elevator.)

[Richard's office]
 
Richard: (on the phone) All right. Thank you. (hangs up the phone.)

Billy: He'll be okay?

Richard: Stabilized, but he's in a coma.

Georgia: What are the chances?

Richard: Too soon to tell, but there's some swelling in the brain. They are keeping him for a while.

Billy: We should tell John now. He might want some closure.

Ling: It's a frog.

Richard: (to Ling) Shh. Avocado. (to Billy and Georgia) One thing to consider. He punished himself thinking he was the one who killed him. It might be easier to learn it was Georgia.

Georgia: Me?

Richard: You started the game of killer catch.

Georgia: No! Nelle threw him, and if you hadn't opened the door...

Billy: All right! If Stefan makes it through the night we've got to tell.

Richard: Even if he lives as a vegetable?

Ling: A frog is not a vegetable, it's meat.

Georgia: Does anything nice ever come out of your mouth?

(Ling turns and glares at her. Three of them step back.)

[Ally and Renee's]

(At night, Renee sits in front of the fire, looking at old pictures of her and Matt, and crying.)

[Ally and Renee's]

(In the morning, Ally, wearing her sheep pajamas, listens to Renee in the living room.)

Renee: We're just gonna have dinner.

Ally: Nobody goes to dinner to have dinner, Renee.

Renee: You work side by side everyday with the lover of your life.

Ally: But I never...

Renee: Neither do I. Just dinner to catch up.

Ally: To catch up on what? Your memory's all physical. You're gonna be ...

Renee: Can't you give me some credit?

Ally: On this, no. You'll bring him back here for a nightcap and show him the yearbook. (starts mimicking what Renee will do.) You won't believe how funny these pictures are. Oh, look at that one. (points at an imaginary picture.) And oh, oh, look at that one. (gets closer and closer to Renee on the couch.) Oh, oh, huh, look at that one. (starts to pant, and breathe hard. Her breathing gets faster and faster, until she is spent and settles back onto the couch.) Gee, it was only supposed to be dinner. What happened?

[The office complex]

(John practices his closing argument on the second floor. Richard looks up at him. Ally finds Richard.)

Ally: How's he doing? (Richard points up at John.) Oh...

Richard: (in a low voice) On a respirator and the next 24 hours are crucial. I'm heading over when you guys leave here to court.)

Ally: Umm, uh, uh, Richard, umm, can I, uh, ask you something a little personal?

Richard: Personal questions don't bother me. I just lie.

Ally: You and Ling. Are you serious?

Richard: I can't tell. I haven't slept with her yet.

Ally: Yes, but the reason I ask is, uh, Whipper kind of asked.

Richard: (looks surprised.) She did?

Ally: She misses you.

Richard: She does? Oh, well, that's over. (walks away.)

[The courtroom]

John: (gives his closing argument.) When I was six years old, I wanted to be a nun. At that time, I thought it would enable me to fly. And I suppose television caused these misperceptions. I once asked Santa Claus for one of those super feminine napkins so that I could bike and swim and ride a horse and other things they promised.

Whipper: Counsel!

John: Well, I can't be a nun. It's impossible. But they're suggesting it's impossible for my client to be one as well because she broke the vow of celibacy. But it's not impossible with her. All that Chrissa Long needs to continue is forgiveness. And of all the places to look for it, you'd think the church would be a good one.

(During John's closing argument, Renee enters the courtroom.)

Attorney: (gives his closing.) Love must win out. Go with your heart. Follow your passion. In the movies these days we never hear anybody say, "But what about after? What about the consequences?" She was a nun. The thing about love -- sex -- we've managed to cloak it these days with so much romanticism, that people sometimes refuse to see it as wrong even when it's wrong. This was wrong. Taking responsibility for it is more than just saying "Sorry."

(During the attorney's closing, Renee gets out of the courtroom as if the words being said make an impact on her.)

[A court corridor]

(Ally, John, and Chrissa gets out of the courtroom.)

Ally: (to John) Napkin?

John: I made a point.

Ally: (finds Renee.) Hey.

Renee: Hey.

Ally: (to John) Excuse me.

Renee: I have switched the dinner to drinks at the bar so that you can come and chaperone, and I won't end up getting creamed.

Ally: I think that's smart. You're doing the right thing. You're okay?

Renee: Well, look what my life has come to. I'm taking advice from you.

(Whipper walks by and Ally runs to talk to her. )

Ally: Oh, hey, hey. (Whipper turns to face Ally.) This is from me, not from him.

Whipper: Who?

Ally: Oh, don't kid me. Who You know who RICHARD who. Don't, Don't 'who' me. I'm not presuming that you're interested or that you even care, but for what it's worth, 'who' misses you, and the relationship with whoever doesn't appear to be serious.

Whipper: Ally, I no longer care. (tries to leave.)

Ally: Ow, I'm saying it's not too late. One day, it could be.

[The office complex]

(John comes out of the elevator into the office.)

Richard: (to Billy and Georgia) Wish me luck. (walks over to John.) John, it's a miracle. Maybe it's because you've been hanging out with a nun, I don't know. All I can say is "Praise the Lord."

John: What do you...

Richard: Stefan! He surfaced in the bowl. He's in a coma. He's not dead. He's ALIVE, ALIVE, ALIVE, coma. (Cut to Billy and Georgia, watching them. And Nelle comes and stops to watch Richard and John.) We rushed him into the vet, and he's there. He's LIVING, coma. The vet even says he's STABLE, coma. He's not dead! HE'S ALIVE, HE'S ALIVE, HE'S ALIVE!"

John: Which vet?

Richard: I take you there. ALIVE! (They get in the elevator.)

Billy: He's good.

(Nelle still appears to feel guilty.)

[The church]

(Ally has gone to the church to discuss settling the case.)

Helen: If it were just the sex, maybe. But the cover-up and the lying. How can I excuse that?

Ally: They were legally accurate lies. She doesn't want money damages. She just wants her job.

Helen: You know, I adore Chrissa. But she decided to become a nun after a bad breakup in college, and she's coming back to us now on the rebound. We're just not that kind of sanctuary. Sorry.

(When she is on her way out of the church, Ally sees a man come out of the confessional. She thinks about it, but only for a second, then she goes in.)

Ally: Forgive me, Father. I'm only about a quarter Catholic. That's my first sin.

Priest: How may I help you, my child?

Ally: Well, I'm sure you get a lot of women in here confessing stuff about married men and all. And I know it's a sin. But, on average, do these women strike you as happy or miserable?

Priest: Are you happy, my child?

Ally: Oh, no, no, no. Not me. It's... I'm not the one. Never mind.

Priest: Shall we talk about you?

Ally: Me? Well, okay. (checks her watch.) Quickly, I guess. I am a lawyer. Let's just get that out of the way. And the... (counts with her fingers.) tenth Commandment. I covet all of ... You have no idea. Anything was decent gluts(?). The premarital sex thing. (laughs.) We don't need to go there. There's one that haunts me. Last year, I, uh, I... BED. I can say it. BED. I went to bed with a guy, partly because he had a... It was big, big, big. God, I slept with it…him.

Priest: I often hear that size doesn't matter. How was it?

Ally: It was great and unbelievable. You have no idea. I mean, I assume you don't. It's amazing, amazing, amazing. And am I forgiven?

[The bar]

Elaine: He's still on a respirator.

Ally: Does John know, you know...

Elaine: That Nelle croaked it back into a coma? No, he thinks it was floating up in a coma. (takes a look at Renee and Matt.) Who is that guy with Renee?

Ally: Old high-school friend.

Elaine: Is there...

Ally: No, they're just CATCHING UP.

Elaine: (laughs.) Right.

[John's office]

(John has brought Stefan and the respirator back to the office.)

John: This is Millie. I told her all about you. She can't... She can't wait for you to wake up. I taught her a little song. (begins to sing.) "Green legs leaping. Amphibial reaping. Life zeal, it's all in the keeping. Be a frog. Be a frog. Be a frog. Be a frog,"

(Nelle is watching and she clears her throat.)

John: Nelle, hello.

Nelle: They let you take him home.

John: Yeah. They said it would figure familiar surroundings(慣れた環境の方がいいと思って). Doctor can check him ?????(離れてても). It's miracle. He's back. I don't understand how he could surface in a coma and why didn't he drown? Just a miracle.

(Nelle still can't tell him.)

[The bar]

(Renee and Matt are slow dancing as Ally watches.)

[Richard's apartment]

(Richard arrives at home with Ling.)

Ling: I expected better.

Richard: It is better. I'm settled.

Ling: I have problems with newness. It doesn't make me feel sexual.

(Ling opens the door, only to find a naked woman lighting candles. Ling screams, and when Whipper turns to see what's going on, she starts screaming, too.)

Richard: What?

Ling: There's a naked nude woman lighting a fire!

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

[The office complex]

Richard: Why in the God's name could she even be there?

Billy: Did she have keys?

Richard: Yes, but, you know, we haven't spoken in a month all the time.

(Ally comes up and wonders what they are talking about.)

Billy: Did you try to call her?

Richard: No answer. And Ling. I've got to have an answer from LING.

Ally: What happened?

Billy: Richard and Ling went home and Whipper was waiting NAKED.

Ally: What? Ooow. Ooow. Oh, my god. Oh, oh, my god. Oh, my god. Richard, Richard, I, I, I, I told her that you might miss her.

Richard: What?

Billy: Ally!

Richard: What else did you say?

Ally: Well, just... I don't know. Something like she shouldn't wait until it's too late.

(Richard and Billy complain at Ally.)

Ally: But I didn't tell her to go to your place naked!

(Ling comes in to the office and walks straight neglecting Richard, who follows her.

Richard: Ling, Dumpling, Macaroon, Crouton. (Ling turns and glares at him. Richard can't say anything and turns back.) Toast.

[Nelle's office]

Nelle: You can't really sue him.

Ling: Intentional infliction of emotional distress.

Nelle: Ling...

Ling: I opened the door and see naked, nude buttocks. And this blond thing with big hair. I'LL NEVER GET OVER IT.

Nelle: From what I understand, it was just an old girlfriend trying to get back with Richard. He had no idea.

Ling: You're taking his side. I'm hurt, and I'm standing with my best friend, sideless.

Nelle: Ling...

Ling: And don't "Ling" me. I WANT TO SUE.

Nelle: Well, I can't sue a person in my law firm.

Ling: Fine. Sideless... I need to shop! (leaves.)

[Ally and Renee's]

(The door bell rings. Renee opens the door.)

Matt: Take the morning off, I assume.

Renee: (sighs.) Matt, what are you doing here?

Matt: I called your office to tell what a good time I had. They said that you weren't coming in until later. So, I... Can I come in?

Renee: Well... (lets him in.) This is what married men do, right? Meet in private places?

Matt: You know, we never broke up. When college came, we went in different directions...

Renee: (whispering) You're MARRIED.

Matt: (sighs.) A marriage.

Renee: Shouldn't come here.

Matt: Okay. Good-bye.

(He kisses her. She returns the kiss. )

(Ally knocks on the door.)

Whipper: Come in.

Ally: I'm sorry. I, I feel like, I just...

Whipper: No, Ally. You didn't do anything wrong, and neither did Richard. I, I'm just so humiliated. God. I thought maybe I just wanna surprise him. Can you imagine? I'm a judge, even then. I'm thinking, well, okay, instead of calling him, to win him back, get my clothes off...

Ally: No, no, no. Don't turn it into gender esteem thing. What if a man got naked in an ex-girlfriend's apartment and waited for her, do you think that would riddle(?) him? (男性蔑視に繋がる？)

Whipper: Ally, he'll be arrested.

Ally: Right.

Whipper: I feel like, you know, ...

Ally: Listen, Here's a little game I play when I get lonely. Close your eyes

Whipper: What?

Ally: Just close them.

(Whipper closes her eyes.)

Ally: (closes her eyes, too.) Okay. Think of a guy, the perfect guy, even on you wedding day, maybe the suit and the smile, the night back at the hotel. Now, make a little sound that goes with that.

Whipper: Mmmmmmm...

Ally: Okay. Now, think about that man in his entirety: his habits, his hobbies, his friends, the things he thinks are funny, the things he thinks are important. And now think about having to live with him every single day for the rest of your life.

Whipper: Eeeeh.

Ally: Exactly. Open. We're not only wired to want what we can't have. But we're wired to want what we don't want.

Whipper: Do you think?

Ally: Yeah, we're women.

(There's a knock on the door.)

Whipper: Yes, come in.

(The attorney and Sister Helen come in.)

Attorney: (notices Ally.) This won't be ex parte, I hope.

Ally: Yes, I'm writing her a check.

Attorney: (smiles.) Umm, we come to settle and offer your client her job back.

Ally: What? Why?

Attorney: I think I let, uh, Sister Helen explain.

Helen: Unfortunately...

Attorney: Just tell them.

Helen: Well, your client's affair was well known throughout the abbey. I just learned today that it was our PRIEST who first revealed it.

Ally: The priest?

Helen: She's been confessing to him, and Father O'Reilly was no priest, in my mind.

Whipper: He broke the seal?

Helen: I'm afraid it's much worse than that. He has these little video cameras in the confessional.

Ally: (surprised.) Excuse me?

Helen: He's been taping all the... He's trying to sell "World's Naughtiest Confessions." He's making a documentary.

Ally: What?

Helen: He plans to leave the priesthood and become a television producer. Fox has already offered him a slot between "Deadliest Car Crushes" and "The oral(?) office (執務室の秘め事)."

Ally: (very upset.) The things that people confess?

Helen: The sex stuff, yes. And that's how your client's secrets...

Ally: (Her face turns white.) Have you seen the tape?

Helen: No, he won't give it to us. But, tell Chrissa that she can be reinstated.

Ally: Great. (with her white smiling face)

[Cut to Stefan on his back without the respirator in John's office]

John: He's not out of the woods yet.

Billy: But still off the respirator.

John: Still in a coma. I'm taking him home there's nothing they can do any more. (notices something on Georgia's face.) Did he touch your face?

Georgia: Sorry?

John: You have a rash. Their skin can be slightly toxic to some people. Was he on your face?

Georgia: Oh, uh, actually I tried to give him a mouth-to-mouth. So, maybe...

Nelle: (jumps in.) John, there's something you need to know.

Georgia: I have to go. (tries to leave, but stops.)

Nelle: Stefan didn't come floating up comatose. He was conscious and healthy.

John: I beg your pardon?

Nelle: Georgia was on the toilet. And he came jumping up and he jumped on her. She threw him in my direction. It hit me, and I panicked. I threw him back. Then she threw him back. And then I really threw him just as Richard opened the stall door. He went SPLAT. And he slipped to the floor unconscious.

(Silence)

John: You were on the toilet when he jumped out of the bowl.

Georgia: Yes.

John: Was it a fresh bowl? (pause) You all excuse me, I need to take a moment. (turns his chair around.)

[A court corridor]

Chrissa sits next to Ally on a bench.)

Chrissa: It's back. I got my job back.

Ally: Yes. But, Chrissa, are you really sure that this is your calling?

Chrissa: Sorry?

Ally: I mean that there are plenty of fish in there. There's no sin in loving men. Only pain.

Chrissa: I'm a nun, Ally. I was meant to be a nun.

Ally: You're sure?

Chrissa: Aren't you? Uh, of course, I'm sure.

Ally: Okay.

Chrissa: Thank you again for saving me.

(They hug. Chrissa leaves. Renee comes.)

Renee: Hey.

Ally: (surprised) Oh, Renee, hey.

Renee: I kissed him.

Ally: Matt?

Renee: He came by and I asked him to leave. I was doing great right up until I kissed him.

Ally: There's no happy ending there, Renee.

Renee: Some men do leave their wives and find happiness with the other woman. Ally, it happens. (Ally stares at her.) You're right. You're right.

Ally: But, you're gonna see him again.

(Later that night, Renee and Ally play scrabble in their apartment, Chrissa prays at church and cries, Whipper thinks about her past with Richard, Nelle feels disappointed in her office but smiles when Ling shows her the clothes she bought, and John stands looking out the window.)