Air date in Japan: December 5, 1999

Special Thanks to Dana's Ally McBeal Page, Tony Cianfaglione's ALLY McBEAL Episode Guide, Lyrics to Music on the Ally McBeal Show,
 

[The office complex]

(Elaine is back to inventing again. This time, it looks like a garage door opener.)

Ally: I don't know, Elaine. You know how particular he is about his toilet seat.

Elaine: It's also the scene of a painful memory, and the bathroom more than anything is a place to wipe the past away.

(Ally gets a strange look on her face.)

Elaine: What?

Ally: I don't know, I... I just get this...

Georgia: (joins them.) Bad feeling?

Ally: You, too?

Elaine: Yes. Like something's gonna happen.

Georgia: What is it?

Ally: I don't know, but it's creepy.

(The doors of the elevator open. Three of them turns around.)

Ling: Nelle. I need Nelle. (walks away.)

Ally, Elaine, and Georgia: She's baaaaaack.

OPENING CREDITS

[Nelle's office]

Nelle: Try to stay calm.

Ling: I'm overwrought. Overwrought and calm is a bad combination. I don't like that outfit.

Richard: (walks in.) What's up?

Nelle: She's overwrought. A group's trying to shut down her mud wrestling club, ??? a nuisance claim there evidently going to court today ex parte.

Richard: I'm gonna back up just half a step. Mud wrestling club? (looks a bit impressed.)

Nelle: She owns one.

Richard: (in a low voice) Wow, well, women in a MUD, they...

Ling: Wrestle! And MOPE is trying to shut it down. (breathes a long sigh.) Why does everyone out get me?

Richard: Oh, that's good.

[The conference room]

Ally: MOPE? What's MOPE?

Richard: Mothers Opposed to Pornographic Entertainment. They're claiming that the club destroys the quiet enjoyment of the community.

Ally: (somewhat broken) Why would Ling, uh, own her own porno club?

Nelle: It's NOT porno. There's no even any nudity. It's just women in bathing suits. (Richard smiles.) Wrestling.

Ally: Oh, it's sport.

Georgia: How could you own a place like that?

Richard: Let's keep it a secret... Bygones.

Nelle: Well, she basically bought it as a tax write-off but it turned out to make a profit.

Richard: Anyway, they're trying to shut it down ex parte. They'll probably be using that women degradation clich?. ここは女性陣で固める。正攻法で迎え撃ちたい。(Georgia sighs.) Georgia, Ally, Nelle, "dream team." 君らが…

Georgia and Ally: NO!

Georgia: Not a chance.

Richard: Look, I hate to pull rank, but this is the kind of case where having female litigants is a PLUS. We owe it to Ling to extend our best efforts. Not to mention this is a client with whom I'm still trying to reach sexual fruition. For once I'll ask you to think about someone other than yourself. Can you do that? Georgia, can you think about the senior partner who sings your pay check? How about you, Ally? Could you possibly consider somebody other than yourself? I realize it involves using it, new muscle, but to me, any job's meaningless unless it offers opportunity for personal growth. Off we go. Be lawyers. (tries to leave.)

Nelle: Hold on a second. The judge's probably gonna want a hearing, which means I need somebody to check this place out.

Georgia: The mud club?

Nelle: I don't like surprises. Billy?

Georgia: NO! He's not free.

Billy: I'm not.

Nelle: I don't mean to wrestle.

Georgia: NO! He's MARRIED.

Nelle: あーゆー場所って家庭持ちの男のためにあるんじゃないの？

Billy: I think you turned her.

Richard: I'll go.

John: I can go. (Ally looks up surprised.) I'm actually a good spy. I briefly considered a career in the CIA. (Nelle smiles.) 気づかれずに部屋を横切ったりもできる。

Ally: Uh, spy?

Nelle: (stands up.) Well, by that you both go. John and Richard. Undercover. (leaves.)

John: (to Ally) You took a moment.

[The unisex]

(Elaine is showing Billy her new invention.)

Elaine: It's all controlled by the same remote.

Billy: I don't know, Elaine.

(John comes.)

Elaine: John, look, I've invented an automatic seat warmer. You know how awful it is to sit on an ice-cold toilet, especially in the morning. You can set it for different temperatures, going all the way up to simmer.

Billy: Simmer?

Elaine: I like a warm seat. Of course, it has your auto-flusher. Standard. And check out this. (raises and lowers the toilet seat by the remote.) This feature is for married couples because he always leaves the seat up. Would you like to test drive?

(John raises and lowers the toilet seat by the remote. It looks like he's satisfied.)

[A court corridor]

(The dream team and Ling are walking to the courtroom.)

Ling: If anyone "Lings" me there, I expect all to object.

Ally: Oh, don't worry.

Ray: Hey, Georgia.

Georgia: Ray! Hey. How's it going?

Ray: Same. How about you?

(Ally finds him attractive.)

Georgia: Same. How's Jenny?

Ray: Jenny? Oh, man. Jenny... Well, Jenny became Syncia. And Syncia and I are now over.

Georgia: Ray.

Ling: Excuse me, we're in litigation. I don't want her congenial. Could you please not engage her?

Nelle: Ling.

Ling: You're tugging me. Don't tug me.

(Nelle pulls Ling away.)

Georgia: Dumbest case. You wouldn't believe if I told you.

Ray: Mine's worse. Maybe you've ever heard of a group called MOPE.

Georgia: Uh-oh.

[Court]

Nelle: There are no zoning laws that preclude this type of commercial activity.

Ray: We aren't here on zoning -- We are on nuisance.

それには用途規制が絡んできます。

そちらが用途規制を持ち出すのなら、

何も持ち出しはしません。立証責任があるのはそちらです

Ray: Perhaps you could give me the chance. I'm actually capable of finishing a sentence.

Nelle: Go ahead.

Ray: First, traffic congestion. Second, the activity. It stigmatized the whole neighborhood. This is the equivalent of a strip joint.

Ling: WHAT? (stands up.)

Judge: Ms. Woo?

Ling: Your honor, it is not a strip joint, that slandered me. I'd like to amend my answer to include defamation naming him and all of MOPE.

Nelle: Ling!

(Ally reaches up and grabs Ling's arm, pulling her back to her chair.)

Ray: 何よりこれは女性を貶める店です。土地柄も下がる。閉鎖すべきです。

Judge: I'd like to hear from one of the complaining parties. Do we have any?

Ray: Ms. Stokes, who lives in the neighborhood. She's a fighter over the presence of the club.

Ms. Stokes: It's a filthy sex club and all that filthy mud...

Judge: Uh, Ms. Stokes, きちんとやりましょう。 We hear from you after lunch. Two 'o clock. Shut.

[A court corridor]

Ling: (to Nelle) You "Linged" me there.

Georgia: With a hard 'L', I heard it.

(Ling turns and growls at her. Ling and Nelle get on the elevator.)

Georgia: We'll get the next one.

Ling: I hate this firm. (The doors of the elevator close.)

Ally: All right. Give it up.

Georgia: What?

Ally: Ray! He's cute!

Georgia: 知ってるわよ。A law school classmate. I had the biggest crush before Billy.

Ally: Did you go out?

Georgia: (laughing) One date. 共通点が一つもなくって。He is a great guy. Hey! セッティングするわ。

Ally: He's the opposing counsel, Georgia.

Georgia: それがいいの。

Ally: 駄目だってもう。

Georgia: 対立関係 can be good for starting relationship. Conflict can be passion.

Ally: If he wasn't your type, how could he be mine. YOU like all the men I like.

Georgia: There was just the one! (gets on the elevator with Ally.) So, you wanna meet him or not?

Ally: No.

Georgia: Okay.

Ally: Yes. A little one, a little meet, チョロチョロっと。

Georgia: チョロっと。(The doors of the elevator close.)

[The unisex]

John is going over his game plan for that night.

John: I thought we'd make separate entrances. Sometimes individuals are innocuous, but couples can be recognizable.

Richard: (exits the stall.) John, it's just a... (fails to find John, then notices he's behind the door he just opened.) ただのバーの内情調べで、ネルに教えるだけだって。

John: 弁護士の好きそうな大人の店だ。面が割れやすい。I prefer separate entrances.

Richard: I, I...

John: Field reconnaissance isn't to be trivialized.

Richard: Fine.

(John gets Richard to stop walking, opens a stall door, and shows him that he can raise the toilet seat by the remote.)

[The courtroom]

Ms. Stokes: It's residential as well as commercial neighborhood. People live there.

Ray: ですが、 This is mud wrestling. Can't you take it a little seriously?

Ms. Stokes: Well, let me talk about raising our children. We'd all like to ???(声を大にして) ,saying it takes a village. But I don't think the village shouldn't embrace the idea of reducing women and sex objects.

Ray: But, it's after-hours. This is in the club.

Ms. Stokes: Well, men gather and ???? over a bunch of women's slithering around the mud like ???? some kind of ????(潤滑ゼリー)

Nelle: So, you ??? think all the mud wrestling club should go.

Ms. Stokes: I think they shouldn't be in residential areas. That's right.

Nelle: (?)The same would be true as strip clubs?(ストリップクラブも同じですか？)

Ms. Stokes: Of course.

Nelle: Movie theaters that show sex scenes?

Ms. Stokes: Well, some sex scenes if it has something (?)redeeming(必然性があるなら).

Nelle: Who decides what's redeeming MOPE?

Ms. Stokes: There's a big difference between movie sex scenes and what they do.

Nelle: So, a movie theater showing sex scenes and nudity you have no problem with?

Ms. Stokes: I don't think pornography...

Nelle: Not pornography. I'm talking about an R rated movie show, nudity and love scenes.

Ms. Stokes: Look, I'm not gonna let you trap me with your tricky, sleazy, sneaky questions. A movie is a movie. It's different than the place where muddy breasts get slopped around the people's faces. (to the judge) Permission to make a speech, Judge?

Judge: I'd be delighted.

Ms. Stokes: Mud wrestling degrades the participants. It creates a negative image of women. And having a place like that in the community demeans that community.

Nelle: And the women who perform sex scenes in movies, they are not degraded.

Ms. Stokes: No.

Nelle: Why is that?

Mrs. Stokes: Because they are paid tons of money.

[A court corridor]

(Nell, Ling, Ally, and Georgia are sitting on a bench.)

Nelle: You're up next, Ling. ????? testimony.(あなたの証言に全てがかかってるの) So, that means, uh, well, you know...

Ally: We're dead.

Ling: I wanna drop her from the case.

Ally: Fine. (stands up.)

Ray: (comes up.) Georgia.

Georgia: (stands up.) Ally, have you actually met Ray Brown?

Ally: Uh, uh, NO. No. Hi. Ally McBeat, Meat, Meal, Beal, McBeal. It takes me a while but I usually get it right.

Ray: Georgia said you maybe like to get a drink sometime.

(Ally imagines her head shrinking until it's almost covered by her turtleneck.)

Ally: Oh, uh, well, um, this is, uh, most of us as long as we don't talk about the case. But I do get thirsty.

Ling: (stands up.) What's going on here?

Georgia and Nelle: Ling!

Ling: People are being nice to each other. (Georgia and Nelle pull her away.) Don't tug me.

Ray: This is a little strange, but I actually would like to.

Ally: Great. Me, too.

Ray: So, I guess I see you in court.

(Georgia watches Ally and Ray talk from a distance.)

Ally: Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

(Ray walks away. Georgia smiles, and looks as if she is very happy to see them hitting it off.)

CUT TO TITLE SCREEN

[Ally and Renee's]

(Ally is going through her drawers.)

Renee: You came home to change your underwear.

Ally: Yes.

Renee: For a first date.

Ally: He's not gonna get near my underwear, Renee. Let's take your mind out of where it thrives.

Renee: Wow, was anything wrong with the underwear you're wearing?

Ally: It wasn't lucky.

Renee: Excuse me?

Ally: I have lucky underwear, okay? Now it may sound stupid to somebody who gets lucky when they aren't wearing any, but I have two little charms in life. An old shoe and the pair of... (finds lucky underwear.) And I'm not going on a date with an old shoe.

Renee: Wow. Is this guy really that cute?

Ally: Not really. He's kind of white bread, actually.

Renee: 愛しのビリーみたくワルじゃないってか？

Ally: I think I like him because he talks fast and reminds me of Jack Webb.

Renee: Who?

Ally: Jack Webb is the guy on "Dragnet." I had a crush both on him and Mr. Ed. I'm not gonna go there. But Jack Webb, すごい早口なんだあ。低い声でね。That's how Ray talks. 「裁判長、これはストリップ小屋も同然です。ただちに閉鎖を。女性蔑視につながります。」Goose bumps. Don't ask me why.

[Richard's office]

Nelle: She takes a stand for stop so you need to go tonight.

Richard: Can't Ling tell you what goes on there?

Nelle: Ling lies.

John: (comes in.) I'm ready. I'm dressed in grays.

Richard: What are you looking for, Nelle?

Nelle: I just wanna confirm that there's no nudity and there's no touching.

Richard: No touching? They're wrestling.

Nelle: No sexual touching.

Richard: Oh.

John: Gray is a blend color to blend in.

Richard: Excellent. I didn't even know you were here, John. Ready?

John: I am. But remember?

Richard: Seperate entrances. We're spies. (walks away.)

John: He paid me no heed.

Nelle: It's the gray. You just blend. (takes John's hand.) Thank you for doing this, John. (kisses him on the cheek.) Be careful. (walks away.)

[The unisex]

(Elaine is standing in front of the mirror. Ally and Georgia walks in.)

Georgia: Bring him to the bar. It would be easy. I know him and Billy knows him. If you guys don't ???? (盛り上がらなかったら何とかするから。)

Ally: I'm not crazy about everybody's watching me on a first date.

Georgia: Sometimes, in a group situation there is less pressure.

Elaine: I agree. In college, I dated 花形quarterback. (Ally and Georgia ignore her and enter the stalls.) Talk about being nervous, to take the pressure off, I invited the whole team.

(As Ally is about to sit, the toilet seat goes up, causing Ally to fall all the way in. She screams.)

Elaine: What?

(Georgia gets out of the stall. John walks in.)

Ally: Help me! I'm stuck! The seat went up.

Elaine: Open the door.

Ally: I can't! I'm stuck!

Elaine: What do you mean you're stuck?

Ally: I mean STUCK!

John: Oh. (hits the remote, sending the toilet seat back down and hitting Ally in the back.)

Ally: John!

(John hits the remote yet again so that the seat goes back up.)

Elaine: Can you open the latch with your foot?

Ally: わかんない。

Georgia: John, flip over the top!

John: いきなりフィニッシュは無理。

(The stall door opens, revealing Ally is wedged in the bowl. Richard walks in.)

Elaine: God, she's IN the bowl! Where's my camera?

(John covers his eyes with his hand.)

Georgia: Can you move?

Richard: What's going on?

Elaine: Ally is falling. And she can't get up.

Ally: Damn! My hip is wedged.

Richard: Who left the seat up?

[The office complex]

Elaine: Excuse me. Excuse me, can I have your attention, please? The unisex is temporarily out of commission. Ally's wedged inside a toilet bowl. We would appreciate your sensitivity until the crisis is over. Please. Go back your work.

[Billy's office]

Ray: It's almost 9 o' clock.

Georgia: I'm sure she'll be right up.

Billy: 女って支度に時間かかるから。She's probably just touching up her makeup.

Georgia: Yeah.

(Billy and Georgia breathe a long sigh.)

[The unisex]

A fireman who has been trying to get Ally out with oil says that they will have to break the bowl.

Fireman: I'm afraid we're gonna have to break it.

Ally: What?

Fireman: オイルでも抜ける気配はないし。中でむくんできているんです。もっとひどくなるかも。

John: So, you're going to smash my toilet?

Fireman: I don't know any other way.

John: But you CAN'T smash it.

Ally: Would you please hurry?

Fireman: 軽く叩いて、break up the side of the bowl.

John: NO!

Richard: John, it's past nine. We're late for our mission.

John: Well, he's going to smash my bowl. (Richard and John leave. Billy walks in.)

Ally: It's my hip flexors that are stuck. I have BIG flexors.

Billy: How's it doing?

Ally: OH! Is he waiting?

Billy: Uh-huh. How long?

Ally: DID YOU TELL?

Billy: No. We didn't tell. Relax.

Ally: (The toilet flushes.) OH! (starts laughing as if she enjoys it.)

(It turns out that Elaine hit the flusher on the remote.)

[Billy's office]

Ray: 彼女のどういう所が僕に合うと思う？可愛いという以外に。

Georgia: ユーモアのセンス。それポイントでしょ？

Ray: Yeah. Do you remember what was I didn't like?

Georgia: I think maybe long hair. And Billy. I met Billy the week after we went out. I don't think you liked that.

Ray: No. No, no, no. I definitely, definitely didn't like that. Sometimes I wonder if we had two dates before you met him. Do you wonder?

Georgia: Never.

[Ling's mud wrestling club]

(John enters the club in a trench coat. He walks down the stairs and takes a drink from a waitress. Richard is already sitting at a table, touching every waitress's wattle that comes up to him, then sniffing his finger. John doesn't like the drink, and puts it on another waitress's tray. John is walking around tables, looking for Richard.)

(John finally sits down with Richard and is promptly splattered with mud.)

Richard: You've been made. (John hums.) You got some mud.

Emcee: Ladies and gentlemen, 泥んこの美女たちに暖かい拍手をどうぞ。ではお待ちかねの参加コーナーです。美女と泥にまみれて…

John: What's the man doing?

Richard: He's auctioning a girl for a wrestle. (joins the auction.)

John: And what are you doing?

Richard: Investigating.

John: She didn't say, "Wrestle."

Richard: いやあ、念のため。

(Richard outbids the other men in the audience.)

Richard: Excellent.

Emcee: では皆さん対戦レスラーの登場です。我らがJenniferに大きな拍手を。

(Richard and John stick out their long tongues.)

[The unisex]

Elaine: Do lots of people get stuck in toilets?

Ally: (still stuck) Elaine!

Fireman: Ma'am! Everybody, stand back.

Elaine: I wanna see.

Fireman: Ma'am, get back.

(The fireman is about to smash the bowl. Ally gasps. He stops the motion.)

Ally: Be gentle.

(The fireman nods and starts to smash. After three hits, he finally breaks the bowl.)

Fireman: You're free, ma'am.

Ally: Thank you. Thank you. If you... Uh, excuse me. (gets up with a blanket wrapped around her bottom.) I'm late for a date. (shakes his hand and trots away.)

Fireman: Ma'am, that's our blanket.
 

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