NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE         
  
   To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your
   failure to elect anybody as President of the USA and thus to govern
   yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of
  the revocation of your independence, effective today.
 
   Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
   over  all states, commonwealths and other territories including New Jersey.
 
   To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply
  with the following acts:
 
   1. Look up "revocation" in the now official Oxford Dictionary ($75)
and start spelling English words correctly.
 
   2. Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God Save The Queen"
 
   3. Start referring to "soccer" as football.
 
   4. Declare war on Quebec and France
 
  5. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason
 
 6. Close down the NFL. Learn to play rugby.
 
   7. Enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. Train waitresses
 to be  more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names
 before you eat.
 
   8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday, this has been replaced with
   November 5th
 
   9. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to
 take 6 weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks.
 
   10. Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars to effect
 the change immediately.
 
   11. Report to our Consulate General in NY - M Wragg - for your new
   passport and job allocation.
 
   12. Have Meg Ryan report to the Prince Andrews Bedchamber.
 
  13. Add the Royal insignia to the top of the Washington Monument - and
 the Queens Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial.
 
   14. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it
  the National Series of USA, Cuba and Japan.
 
   Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
 to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
 
   Thank you for your cooperation and have a jolly nice day!

To the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland,

We welcome your concern about our electoral process.  It must be exciting
for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance.  As
always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world
power.  The sun never sets on the British Empire!  Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention.  On
the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy
(for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to
no real power).  After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our
tradition as the longest running democratic republic.  It seems that
switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the
majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a
series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always
correct in your pronunciation or spelling.  Let's use your "aluminium"
example.  Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum"
(note spelling) for the metal.  However, in common usage the name evolved
into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements.  In 1925
the United States decided to switch back to the _original_ spelling and
pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum
industry.  We'd also like to point out that the process of actually
producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an
Englishman).  However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English
Dictionary.  It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000
of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American
civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll
talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 =2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies.
Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture.  We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two
Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty".  We've also heard
good things about this "Billy Elliot".  But one good movie a year doesn't
exactly make a cultural powerhouse.  However, you're doing pretty well with
music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title
whenever your monarch dies.  Let's not forget that your national anthem has
an extremely boring tune.  We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania
ditty, it's toe tapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The
Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport.  Football?  Soccer?  This just in: United
States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics.
United Kingdom?  Not even close.  By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You
almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start
an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook.  England has some top notch candy.  Salt 'n' Vinegar
chips are quite yummy.  However, there's a reason why the best food in your
country is Indian or Chinese.  Your contributions to the culinary arts are
soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick.  Perhaps when you finally realize
the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars.  The obvious error is
that you drive on the wrong side of the road.  A second problem is pricing,
it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a
car in England.  On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins.
That's why we bought the companies.

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time.  You can now return to watching bad Australian
soap operas.

p.s. - regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

  NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

 To the citizens of the United States of America,

 In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus
 to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
 independence, effective today.

 Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
 duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.  Except Utah,
 which she does not fancy.  Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair,
 MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a
 world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America
 without the need for further elections.  Congress and the Senate will be
 disbanded.  A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine
 whether any of you noticed.

 To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
 rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
 Then look up "aluminium".  Check the pronunciation guide.  You will be
 amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.  Generally, you
 should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.   Look up "vocabulary".
 Using the same twenty seven words  interspersed with filler noises such as
 "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
 Look up  "interspersed".

 2. There is no such thing as "US English".  We will let Microsoft know on
 your behalf.

 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
 accents.  It really isn't that hard.

 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
 the good guys.

 5. You should relearn your original national anthem,
 "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.
 We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

 6. You should stop playing American "football".
 There is only one kind of  football.  What you refer to as American
 "football" is not a very good
 game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
 borders may have noticed that no one else plays
 "American" football.  You will
 no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead
 play proper football.
 Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.  It
 is a difficult game.
 Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
 (which is similar to American
 "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest
 every twenty seconds or wearing
 full kevlar body armour like nancies).  We are
 hoping to get together at least a US
 rugby sevens side by 2005.

 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
  if they give you any merde.  The 98.85% of you who
 were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count
 yourselves lucky.  The Russians have never been the bad guys.  "Merde" is
 French for "sh*t".

 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.  November 8th will be a new
 national holiday, but only in England.  It will be
 called "Indecisive Day".

 9. All American cars are hereby banned.  They are crap and it is for
 your own good.  When we show you German cars, you
 will understand what we mean.

 10. Please tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us crazy.

 Thank you for your cooperation.
 
eod/