God Bless America

A  "Let's see if I understand the state of personal responsibility in the  America of the 2000s.

 If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap
 while driving, she blames the restaurant.

 If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music he  liked.

 If you smoke two packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer your
 family blames the tobacco company.

 If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the
 school for poor sex education.

 If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame
 the bartender.

 If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin was
 dirty, you blame the government for the drug laws.

 If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

 And, if your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun
 manufacturer.

 God bless America, "land of the free, home of the blame."




    Some Steven Wright phrases:

    All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

    I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

    OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

    Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

    Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

    Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

    I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case.....coincidence?

    When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

    What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

    I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    Experience is something you don't get until just
    after you need it.

    For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

    No one is listening until you make a mistake.

    Success always occurs in private, and failure in
    full view.

    The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body
    is required to be on it.

    The hardness of the butter is proportional to the
    softness of the bread.

    The severity of the itch is proportional to the
    reach.

    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism-to
    steal from many is research.

    The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

    The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    If you must choose between two evils, pick the one
    you've never tried before.

    A fool and his money are soon partying.

    Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

    If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a
    couple of payments.

    I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

    Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

    Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

    Half the people you know are below average.

    99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.


    I thought you'd like this one....

 A mid level supervisor is told by his boss that he has to fire either
 Jack or Debra, and it is left to his discretion. He decides to be
 totally random and fire the first to go to the water cooler. Debra and
 Jack arrive at about the same time, and Debra makes a bee line for the
 cooler. The boss goes up to her and says," I'm not sure how to do this,
 as I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
 Debra says, " why don't you jack off, as I've got a terrible hangover."


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